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..."has anybody seen Tom Foolery?" Tom of course had made a recent appearance in another universe but was wanted by all and sundry to face serious charges for, amongst other things, tripple starching the Captains underwear. It was also rumoured he had once....
had a factory making foil hats, but alas....
he had been forced out of business by silly public liability insurance premiums, which had taken all the fun out of Tom's foolery.So...
went into second hand space ship sales. Tom proved to be a success in his new chosen career until he sold a lemon to a nasty Klingon War Lord. The Klingon ...
lodged a complaint with Consumer Affairs and the ACCC who decided to ...
prosecute Tom for fitting ejection seats that didn't have a warp speed overide and also re-labelling the ejection seat button to say "Harrggruh" which is Klingon for "bring wench". The unfortunate Klingons who ejected at Warp 7 where shot into a tear in fabric of time and space landing them right at the feet of...
Michelle who instantly fell in love with ....
Crabtree, because believe me, next to a Klingon Crabtree looked like Adonis.
(Queue dodgy French accent).
"Ah Mon Capitain" sighed Michelle. "where will this silliness take us next?"
Surprisingly, just then ....
... and completely without warning, nothing happened!
This took everyone by surprise - including the Klingon - who was so amazed that he imploded and turned into a slightly sticky browny-green smudge on the fabric of the universe, close to the rip.
The only one to retain most of his sang-froid (or in his case, sing-freud) was, of course, Crabtree.
"Good moaning!" he intoned to the group. "Will, thot wis a surproose. It's boon oges since nothing hoopened."
And he ...
... was right. It had been oges... errrr.. ages since nothing had happened. Meanwhile, on the other side of the galaxy, something was happening to Bobby Joe's ....
Ford Ute. He had had it at the mechanics for weeks now, trying to get the popped spark plug back in. Finally, the mechanic put on a new head. He never did like his old one. He also replaced the motor part that was broken on the Ford.
When Bobby Joe started the ute, or as he called it the "Uterus", black smoke stated pouring from ...
from the mechanics head. " Cripes" he said " put on a diesel head instead of the petrol head" Bobby Joe said " Looks like his piston broke" The mechanic retorted " I don't drink and I do have a couple of bob on hand. " No, No" said Bobby Joe " thats not what I meant, I meant..........."
to relate to Billy Joe McAllister and the Talahasee Bidge. (why did she jump off anyway? (stupid cow)........
The reason she jumped, of course,was that them good ol' boys who'd been drinkin' whisky and rye had fooled her into thinking that they had attached her by the ankes to a giant rubber band in an early redneck attempt at bungee jumping. She had drove up to the levee (forgive the lousy grammar - blame the bloody lyricist) but we all know what state the levee was in. That's when she climbed onto the bridge. The rest is history.
Now the mechanic (aka the Piston Bust Kid) extinguished his head and ...
looked around for Mike and the rest of ze..eerrr... the mechanics. When he found them they were driving down Hunter Street in...
the hopes of finding something to hunt. However, the chairs were turned when from off to the right who should come galloping up into the story but Sir Alice.
"Ok Sir Alice" spake Michelle, "Piddle off! I'm the sex interest in this story and I'm not having any stupid....."
bimbo's messing around with the story line...So..get outa my car...said the rather miffed Michelle, howver Alice had other ideas and...
just before saying anything a massive Red Cedar tree fell across the front of the car and...
immediatley about 40 woodies came piling out of the pub on Hunter Street that I can't remember the name of..., (where's a Novacastrian when you need one) and ran across to the tree bearing chainsaws, Lucas Mills, foil helmets and....
foot operated band saws. The chopping, cutting , hacking and sawing created such a din that the local environmentalists came bobbed out of the brown building to see what was going on. Seeing the mayhem, they decided to hold a protest ( as you wood) . It was then that the boys working on the tree saw them and turned to.......
Sir Alice and said " if you want any of those sissies just go and help yourself to ......
Doug Mulray who , unfortunately, was deceased.
So it was the spirit of Doug that said "I said jump in my car, not drop a bloody great tree across it"
"Freaking rednecks"
Suddenly, who should appear but Doug Parkinson.
"well said Doug, that was a surprise" ..
each other and started morris dancing, hankies a wavin, bells a jinglin, sticks a stickin..........owwh what merryment was to be had by all.....................................UNTIL.!! ( insert dark nasty music here )......................
the sky went black and an eerie glow settled on the protesters who ...
cowered in terror as the sky blackened and a terrible foreboding came over the group. Just then BraceGrunt (Late as usual) fell out of the pub landing in front of the protesters. The sky cleared immediatley and one of the protesters said "look its the Messiah"
BraceGrunt broke wind and burped simultaneously and said "I am not the bloody messiah" now where is my...
stick, I want to pass, oops part some water.....
... or at least part of me does. Part of me wants to burst into song and another part of me wants to wear women's clothes. However, most of me wants to have a nice lie down somewhere quiet."
Sobbing quietly, he was led away by a bunch of interfering dogooders.
"Right!" said the leading Morris dancer. "That's seems to have satisfactorily eliminated a bunch of snivelling wimps from the plot. Now we can ...
rattle our bells and knock our sticks together as Morris dancers are wont to do.
Dancer one said to dancer two, "Do you not fel like a complete prat?"
To which number one said...
well yes I do, but I was told that I couldn't have one. Do you know where I can get one then? He asked dancer number one.
"ONE of them? Just one? quoth number one "Just go over there" (he pointed) "and have a look behind the steering wheel of that car with all the scratches and stuff all over it.
It was at this point that a strange and errant memory entered the head of number one. Who was he? how did he come to be here dressed in this pratty looking Morris Dancers costume? The last thing he remembered was lots of water everywhere and some bustard trying to ..
...make off with his 1977 copy of playboy, which he carried around everywhere for the specific reason of...
... reading the articles - which even in the 70's, following hard as they did on the decade of 'free love', were very interesting - and not for looking at the pictures despite what his wife might think. He removed the bells from his knees and put them on his ...
... handlebars. Mounting his velocipede, he cycled slowly downhill towards the seafront, drawn by a strange compulsion to submerge himself in the ocean.
His progress became slower as he reached the dry sand above the high tide mark. Nothing daunted, he pedalled on (the dickhead - he would have made swifter progress if he had simply dismounted and walked, I mean, what the hell was he going to do with a Victorian bicycle once he reached the water?)
The question became academic because, suddenly ...
he was killed by the sudden reemergence of the good ship (whatever it was called) from that convenient rip in the time space continuum...
However, this story being what it is he was immediately reincarnated into the most handsome of men. And on looking down he was VERY pleased to see (he had been reincarnated in the nude) that he had just about the largest and sexiest looking ...
weapon ever invented. Ahh he recalled, this would have been good back in the days on the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed. Those were the days, no french accents and all we had to worry about was werknots cooking and a few Klingons. Admiring his weapon he began to wonder where Roger was, so that he could....
... do something bizarre with the weapon and induce a shift into a parallel universe or another dimension.
As he stood admiringly ...
...his weapon discharged.....
... and that was enough to induce the required shift. He found himself in a strange dimension where the dominant life forms were intransitive verbs. This was such a boring place that it can hold no further interest for this tale.
Meanwhile, back at Medulla Oblongata Beach, the partially-submerged Nautilus lay 50 metres offshore. An enterprising local (whose head was lumpy and bruised) had set up an interesting tourism-inspired business running daytrippers around the sub in his hand-built surf-cat. As he plied his trade ...
the Very Little Gravitas Indeed" suddenly burst to the surface, having risen from the depths of the artificial reef made from GMC power tools. Onboard grinning from wicked ear to ear was all these old skeleton woodies, killed in other episodes. Capt Beaut swaggered forth on the rotting deck and cackled a wicked pirate "aaarrrgggh me woodies" "its the blood of a fair maiden we be needing to become whole again". Whereupon....
the number one could be heard from wherever he was saying "fair maiden?you've got to be joking matey. Now ugly maidens, them we've got by the back of the busload. However, I do have something else that may help you in your (slightly) unusual predicament. Now these were made in (maiden) Russia from virgin gerbils" he said, pulling from an interior cavity (he is still nude) a pair of the largest and reddest .....