The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

... "Why don't we go for a drive?"

She tucked Clarence under her arm, opened the driver's door of the Citroen and clambered aboard, eyeing the gear lever fondly.

"Now, you naughty dog-catcher ..." she was heard to say as she drove the Citroen clear off the maindeck.

Meanwhile, as you will recall, dear reader - back on the orlop deck, Staines was groaning. Or was it that Groans was staining? A quick glimpse down the companionway was enough to reveal Leading Artificer Groans wielding a brush and liberally besmirching the hull of the ship's captain's barge with a mixture of:

(Stand by for ancient naval staining recipe):-

2 parts mineral turpentine
2 parts dubious home-made red wine
1 part Fuller's earth
1 part Millers Falls
3 parts MFKL (for lustre, of course)
and a sausage for the camel

(The last bit isn't absolutely necessary - I just threw that one in there for the hell of it).

Sean O'Bolloxs shook his head.

"Surely" he thought "after all they've been through, you'd reckon they'dknow how to careen a vessel "

However his reverie was rudely interupted by Amanda.
(Yes that's right, Amanda Huggenkiss)

She said ...

"I've had enough of this. Which one of you boys wants to have a bit of slap and tickle?"

The stampede that those words engendered was something to behold. :eek:

From as far down as the orlop deck they swarmed.
Just so they could get that little bit closer to the fragrant Amanda and her implicit promise of discreet rumpy pumpy.


"Avast there " cried Seaman Staines "I've a big issue that needs resolving"
and with that he...

grabbed Roger the Cabinboy* and ...





* I haven't been paying attention. Is he still alive? Oh well he is now.

coiled a rope around him and then proceeded to spin him on the deck like a top, for unfortunately, Staines had a limited education and did not know the difference between resolving and revolving.
'Take that you nasty little socialite' he wailed thinking that he was referring to Roger the cabin boys political affiliations.
The boy spun on the burning deck (due to a build up of friction from the spinning), yes.............
The boy spun on the burning deck....

..a pocket full of MFKL...

A plume of smoke from the spot arose.
Someone said: “What’s that smell?”

“Go tell the cook,” a crewman said.
“His stew is over-cooked”.
“That’s not the smell,” was the the grim reply
“If it is, then I’ll be …

buggered with a pitch fork".

Suddenly ...

.. a bloke appeared. He was carrying 27 gallons of alcohol, 11 gallons of water and 72 ounces of sweet pea oil.

"Has anyone got a bloody big pot?" he said. "I'm trying to make some Sweet Pea Toilet Water from an old recipe I found."

"Think you might have misread the recipe, mate." Said a helpful crew member. "Who the hell would want 38 gallons of Sweet Pea Toilet water?"

"Well ...." said the bloke ....

.. I'm evidently in the wrong universe. Then he uttered what amounted to his own death warrant saying "bugger me"
whereupon...

... there was a loud cry of:

'Welcome aboard!'

from a certain well-dressed and apparently light-hearted section of the crew, led by a particular seaman who will not be unfamiliar to regular readers of this chronicle.

A small gathering of hamsters were disporting themselves, as was their wont, along the taffrail. One of their number: Hieronymous by name, paused and said to the bloke:

'You might want to be a bit careful about using expressions like that, lad. The members of the lower deck on this vessel tend to be a bit literal.'

A lugubrious figure, pacing the weatherside of the quarter-deck and wearing - for some inexplicable reason, a French gendarme's uniform, said:

'Good moaning! Whoah er ye coorying all thit ilcoohal and wooter?'

'What?' said the bloke.

Flash Dordogne appeared. His wrinkled jumpsuit was now hidden beneath a trenchcoat he had borrowed from Clouseau.

'Permeet moi to attempt to trarnslett,' he said. 'Ah am zer famoos Franch spessman, Flash Dordogne!'

He handed the bloke a business card, bearing the legend:

Sous-Colonel Hippolyte Jean-Marie (Flash) Dordogne
Famoos Franch Spessman

"Ah, so are you the urbane Spaceman then?" enquired the bloke withe the Toilet water (whose name incidentely was I.P Daly).

"Mon Dieu" cried Flash .....

observing the 'Crerk of shot' under his arm, for Mr I P Daly had brought along the wrong bowl, 'bugger me' he shouted again, obviously forgetting the prior warning about making such rash statements.
Upon hearing this............................

... the Mother Farcquar re-appeared. She had a happy smile on her face and a very weary-looking dog-catcher stuffed down her ample cleavage with only his - admittedly knackered - head visible.

This left both the Mother Farcquar's hands free. She used one of them to grasp Seaman Staines by the scruff of the neck and the other to bring a halt to Roger's revolutions (he was still spinning).

She shook Staines vigorously and said:-

"Don't respond to the very rude request that's just been made by this bloke with the excessive quantities of alcohol, water and sweet pea oil! If you do, I'll be compelled to insist that the captain has you keel-hauled! Is that clear?"

Staines nodded in a meek and compliant manner.

The Mother Farcquar picked Roger up by the seat of his pants and gave him a shake too.

"Are you feeling all right, boy?" she asked.

Roger also ...