......well on the good ship Lollipop until the hamsters discoverd their jar had gone missing .....
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......well on the good ship Lollipop until the hamsters discoverd their jar had gone missing .....
..and they knew that b1tch Shirley Temple had nicked it so they...
decided to forget all the past problems and move on to chapter two.................
Chapter Two
The sky ahead of the ship was clear. Fishscale Anthromorph, the admiral's aide-de-camp, adjusted the clear vision screens and turned to the First Officer:-
"Number One," he said. "There's a strange object manifesting itself at 350 parsecs in the lower third quadrant."
"Bollocks!" said Number One. "That's ...
the second time today I have said Bollocks, itsth tho butch and I just love it, when we interthept the thrange object can we go to your quarters again and play that intimate game again?
Fishscale Anthromorph thought about this for awhile and lusting for a bit of interplanetary bonding rapidly agreed.
Sod the strange object, he said, lets go and try that new..............
... aluminium foil beanie that was beamed up to us by Alana Ozwinner from that insignificant little green planet."
With that ...
the spuds were wrapped up and tossed onto the BBQ......
Fishscale Anthromorph sank into a trance as the potatoes sizzled away merrily, he was deep in thought and completely forgot about the strange object and was oblivious that it had attached a tractor beam to their craft.
The trcator beam came from the strange object which was a little grey fergey, luna edition, and was crewed by a colony of demonic solictors who had been banished from earth some eons earlier as a result of their ethical behaviour contrary to legal practise.
With the ship firmly in their grasp the solicitors hatched their evil little plan to...........
(Geez, the reds working well today).
control all foil caps....
So they could convert them to spud roasting implements and then they intend to sell franchises to ....
McDonalds.............
... of Invercockaleekie, a fierce Highland clan, much given to gargling with Glenfiddich.
Fishscale, deep in contemplation of the barbecuing spuds, was completely unaware of this dastardly plot. Fortunately, the hamsters had recently materialised on the ship's bridge and had spotted both the tractor beam and the identity of the crew of solicitors.
Havelock Hamster, realising the peril, stopped dancing the hornpipe and turning to Horatio Hamster, said:
"The dastardly bastards! They're trying to gain control of the foilies!"
"The bastardly dastards!" said Horatio. "We can't have ...
them gaining control, but, as very few people know, hamsters are born with law degrees and warded off the attack by countering with outrageous fees and other matters of jurisprudence.
The solicitors realising that they had been outwitted by rodent barristers released the tractor beam and buggered off to wreak good intentions on some other poor unsuspecting sods in a forgotten corner of the universe.
The hamsters were well pleased with themselves and in a show of piousness issued a series of writs against the entire crew for................
...robbing the rich, conning the ship, taking the ****, pulling the pud and (with this last one the hamsters over-reached themselves somewhat) muffin' the mule.
The crew got off on a technicalty when it was realised that the mule had, in fact, ...
been a small horse in the back country of vitorious a state of a small country ruled by lawers and ..............
honest politicians who failed their exams in corruption and perverting the course of justice.............
The horse in question had decided to sue for Grevious Bodily Muffin but when asked to sit in the dock found himself unable due to a bad case of piles. When pressed the piles popped and the judge was none to pleased and threw the case out of court.
The pud thought he might have a better chance so.....
... he invoked an ancient privilege and sued for incestuous malfeasance. This was all too much for the captain who decided it was time to move on to Chapter Three ...
Chapter Three
It was a dark and stormy night ...
A young maiden named Jenny Raytor was alone in the house when she heard a noise by the french windows. A young ruffian by the name of Paddy O'Doors was attempting to break into the house with his mate Jimmy.
Jenny Raytor although a little scared at first felt turned on by the danger of her situation and started to hum gently.
"What's that hum?" asked Paddy.
"Wasn't me, you're the one who ate the prunes." replied Jimmy.
"Not a smell you idiot a noise." scolded Paddy.
They peered through the gap in the interior curtains and.....
and immediately got sucked through to the dark side as the gap in the curtains was really the rip in the fabric of the universe. A startled Paddy said to Jimmy .........
"Fark me !"
"No thanks" replied Jimmy as he landed with a bump.
"What's that?"
Another shape was falling through the rip it was Jenny still humming......
... the William Tell Overture aka the theme tune from The Lone Ranger.
Paddy grabbed Jimmy by the throat. "Any hint from you of a tendency to tell Lone Ranger jokes will result in your immediate death!" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"Take your hands from me windpipe and I'll render the appropriate reassurance." croaked Jimmy, who had a true Irishman's verbosity.
Meanwhile, Jenny ...
...happily humming the tune that had just sent Paddy high, was studiously engaged in thumbing through a pile of interior decorating books so she could repaint the fabric of the universe.
While flipping through the pages she noticed a cute chimp and a bricklayer in an interesting pose so .....
... she immediately realised that she had inadvertently stumbled upon a publication that had no place amongst her stack of books on interior decorating. A publication aimed at a very specific and narrow interest group, in fact.
Intrigued, she flipped through its pages and came upon some very interesting information relating to foil beanies and pancakes. This led her ...
..to consult the great book of witchcraft so that she....
turn herself into the Great Alana and ...
do some bricklaying on the side...
but pondered as to which side............
board she had left the spell book in.
Meanwhile Jimmy and Paddy O' Doors had gone exploring and stumbled across a village where people had curious names....
"Who are you?" asked a villager.
"Paddy O'Doors, who are you?" replied Paddy.
"I'm Mortiser Adams, pleased to meet you, will you be staying for dinner?"
Jimmy could have sworn he saw the womans eyes flash red as she said dinner but he passed it off as a trick of the light.
Jenny Raytor had found the spell book and....
...thought she would pick one out randomly.
So she closed her eyes, opened the book and put her finger on the page.
When she looked she found that she had selected a recipe called "Big Al's Pancake Batter" so she excitedly ......
... started to collect the ingredients.
It was only when she reached the part that said "melt down five old 78s" that she realised she had turned over two pages at once.
In great confusion, she coated the bed of a well-used Stanley Bailey #4 with a nutritious and satisfying mixture of beaten eggs and flour at the same time as she poisoned several of her dinner guests with a series of featherlight crepes made of Al's Patented Craporium Japanning Compound.
This caused ...
... the hamsters to rush for the remaining Al's Patented Craporium Japanning Compound so they could use it to ......
dip thier yables in it and save a fortune on MFKL. The hamsters failed to realise ...
... that Al's Patented Craporium Japanning Compound is actually a thermoplastic which requires heat to render it viscous. Thus those hamsters who attempted a cold application were disappointed.
Those who realised that the compound required to be in a hot molten state felt very superior right up until the moment when they subjected their miniscule appendages to a serious thermal overload. This caused them to deliver - in high castrato tones - a moving rendition of the well-known Jerry Lee Lewis classic: ... (?)
The Good Ship Venus, the abridged version, upon finishing this the crowd roared and shouted for a stirring rendition of any Max Bygraves hits.
With this the Hamsters picked up the nearest interstellar communicator to call Al who had a copy, they inserted their two 20 cent pieces and called.
Hello, this is Al's Craporium, can I help you, the Hmasters suddenly realised that they could neither speak or understand English and proceeded to...............
..run an old episode of the Simpsons...
"Can you tell me if a Mr sexual is in your shop?, first name Homer" Barts voice.
"Is there a Homersexual in the shop!" called Al to which a reply came....
..well there's a Biting Midge with a Happy Hammer and a Hairy Monkey , will they do instead ??? :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
"No, I'm looking for a Homer Sexual" replied Al.
Upon realising what he had just said Al.....
blushed and thought of days gone by when he was himself a.........