he muffled, " now I see why I keep coming back "
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he muffled, " now I see why I keep coming back "
"to Brylcream".
"No no, it's the 100% cotton spencer tht I really admire" he said with a muffled cheesy grin. Just then, an enourmous elephant walked by the townhouse..
as they have a habit of doing. The really disconcerting thing about this elephant (apart from being on this street) was that he was wearing tap shoes because...
he was a fan of Michael Flately and enjoyed the sadistic, albeit artistic, pastime of tapping out ants on the footpath while singing I'm Dancing in the Rain.................
... which confused his admiring fans, who expected him to tap out the ants to the Pink Panther theme:-
"Dead Ant, Dead Ant
Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant,
Dead Ant Dead Aaaaant,
De-e-e-e-ad Ant"
A voice wafted in on the breeze: "I am luking fur eh man with eh minkey".
It sounded distant and crackly, like an old 78 record. "Ave you seen eh man with eh minkey?"
"Do you hev eh reum? I need eh reum, do you hev eh reum?"
The voice was becoming more insistent, and sounded closer. Could the rendering of the theme from The Pink Panther by the martyred ants have brought someone back from the dead? No! It could not be!
"Kato?" ...
... a figure in a trench coat with a pork-pie hat - the figure wore the hat, the trench coat wouldn't have ... worn ... a hat, ...of course ... well, anyway, to resume:
The figure was accosted by a small dog yapping furiously. He looked warily at the dog and asked a nearby observer:-
"Diz your dog bite?"
"No, m'sieur!" was the reply. "My dog does not bite!"
The trench-coated figure bent down to pat the dog. The dog promptly bit him.
"I thote you said that your dog diz not bite!" exclaimed the trench-coated one.
"Zat is not ma dog, m'sieur!" was the nonchalant reply.
This conversational exchange confirmed it. Asking for a man with a minkey, asking for a reum, looking around warily for Kato, being bitten by an apparently ownerless dog....
Yes! It could only be ...
... the one and only....
Hercule Poirot. Yes, the silly little French detective with the egg-shaped head and silly upturned moustaches (why do French men have 'moustaches' and everyone else in the world with an hirsuite lip has a 'moustache'. Only the French know...). Yes, Hercule Poirot, champion of upper class twits, solver of murders, foiler of blackmailers, confounder of...
(pssssst)
Sorry? As I was...
(pssst, psssssst psssssssst)
What? I have the wrong stereotypical French man? Oh, so it's that silly one in that sitcom about the French Resistance? No. Well who the **** is it then?
The trench-coated figure took a step backwards and, in a single, dramatic movement, whipped off his pork-pie hat and trench coat to reveal a strapping, athletic physique, clad in a colourful but stylish jumpsuit of clearly interplanetary design.
"Eet ees I!" he exclaimed. "None ozzer zan zer famous, zer celebrated, zer well-known intergalactic celebrity: Flash Dordogne, Zer Franch Spaceman!!'
"Who?" said the puzzled, indeed mystified throng ...
I am Hercule Poiroit, and I am not a silly little Frenchman, I am a silly little Belgian.
Hercule was really peeved, again, as everyone referred to him as being French.
He exploded in a fit of fury and demanded that Mother Farquar set about bullying the scriptwriters into submission so this would never happen again, but she was nowhere to be seen despite her massive bulk............'Mother Farquar, where are you' he called and in the distance he saw ...............
much to his dismay...
...a wooden...
... whistle that would'n whistle.
Hercule recoiled.
"Sacre Bleu! Ma Foie and Coq au Vin!" he exclaimed.
Flash Dordogne didn't quite recoil. (His tights wouldn't permit of such a drastic manoeuvre - he had tried it once and needed several lavish applications of MFKL to partially restore the damage). Instead he raised a Gallic eyebrow:
"Mon Dieu! Zut Alors and Camembert!" quoth he. "Whut ees zees peeculiar moustachioed Belgian personne doing 'ere?"
"Good moaning!" said a familiar voice, in atrociously mispronounced Franglish. "I thonk he is attoompting to soolve a mastery. I ced be wrang, of coose. It hoppened wince - a ling tome agoo!"
Flash and Hercule looked at each other and said, in unison: "What did he say?"
Crabtree was unfazed by this and he ...
rewired himself so he was in phase......................
...with the three criticisms just levelled against him.
Totally disregarding them, he said...