"We wish he would have stayed around long enough to call out 'Bates, Master.' "
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"We wish he would have stayed around long enough to call out 'Bates, Master.' "
"WHAT'D THEY SAY?" said Groans.
But they all ignored him. Staines was the only member of the crew who hadn't worked out that LA Groans was (to paraphrase Crabtree) toking the pass. Groans wasn't as Mutt 'n Jeff as he pretended.
Meanwhile, Farty Slartbast and Halfrit Sponcracker were attempting to discuss Nemo Corporation business with Captain Nemo, their Chairman. Nemo, however, wasn't having any. He waddled about the poop deck in a distracted fashion, trying to avoid their earnest attempts to get him to read a bunch of documents that Starbast had brought with him.
Roger decided to intervene:
"D'you hear there," he announced through a loudhailer. "All penguins will report immediately to the wardroom."
"Alone!" he added as an afterthought - when he noticed Sponcracker and Slartbast pursuing Nemo as he shot down the companionway toward the officers' quarters.
The two techos gave up the chase.
"Bugger me...!" Slartbast started to say and stopped when he noticed Sponcracker frantically trying to shut him up. "Wha...?"
"On this ship that's not a phrase you want to use lightly - or at all," said Sponcracker, looking around anxiously.
All appeared to be well. No sign of Seaman Staines. What a relief!
Just as Sponcracker was leading Slartbast away, Fellatio Hornblower and Chocolate Le Clair ....
attempted to do as Slartbast had requested.
But before they could have their evil way with him, Roger's voice boomed over the PA system in a very godlike fashion
"NOAH" (oops, sorry wrong story.)
""Staines, my cabin, NOW!"
Staines, thinking all his Christmasses had finally co...(err, arrived) bowled both Hornblower and Le Clair over as he scurried to the Cabin where he was greeted with the sight of...
Roger, Nemo and a roll of gaffer tape.
"Aha, Staines, here at last I see" said Roger. Whereupon .....
Chocolate le Clair burst into the cabin!
Roger (VC and Bar) was affronted by this unconscionable display of lese-majestie. To no-one's great surprise (certainly not to that of the regular readers of this saga) he felt it was necessary to mention his feelings:
"I am affronted by this unconscionable display of lese-majestie!" quoth he.
Nemo waggled his flippers and quacked in apparent agreement with the vessel's commander.
Chocolate, however, was in a state of severe discombobulation.
"Ah am," he said, "In a stett erv seveere deescombubble .... dees compateeble .... deescomforrtabubble ....Ahem!" He gathered himself together in a display of Gallic dignity. "Ah have to say," he said. "Zat ah am deestressed and oopset. Oui, zat ees eet. Deestressed and oopset because of zeese slanderous attacks oopun mah repootation! Ah deemarnd a grovelleeng apology!"
"Perhaps," said Roger (VC and Bar). "Before I have you clapped in irons, sent to the brig and/or keel-hauled, it might be sensible of you to explain why you have burst into my cabin and demanded an apology!"
"Eet ees because," said Chocolate. "Because someone has carst aspersions oopun ma personne by imlyeeng zat Ah hev attempted rude and unnatural acts on zat Farty personne. Zees ees not true! Ah deeny eet absolutelee!"
"Well," said Roger (VC and Bar), "In that case ...."
...it's high time you were initiated properly as a member of this crew." Whereupon Roger, Nemo and Staines put the gaffer tape to good use as they...
... wrapped a goodly portion of it around his mouth.
"There," said Staines "that puts paid to his whinging. Why do these Continental bathplugs always whine so much?"
"Beats me," replied Roger (VC and Bar) who was busy turning the corner of the tape over so it would be easy to peel off another strip if any frantic frogs should fly off the handle again in the near future.
"Don't mind if I do," exclaimed Staines, as he picked up the belaying pin that was laying about untidily on the deck. He raised the belaying pin above his head and with a menacing grimace ...
... received a judiciously aimed and violent peck on the knee from Nemo (so that's where he got his name!).
Staines was astonished.
"I'm ast....."
...ouch" quoth Staines as Nemo pecked him again (in a place that could see him(Nemo) renamed Peno.
Roger, quite unaware of his close call, looked up and muttered...
"You are not a stouch, Staines! You are a seaman. Sometimes I think you're not a particularly good seaman. However, now is not the time to conduct a performance appraisal. Now, kindly escort Le Clair back to the poop deck and do so in a seaman-like manner. That will be all."
Staines, muttering (in a seaman-like manner) beneath his breath, grasped Chocolate by the elbow and led him back up the companionway.
Meanwhile, back in the captain's cabin, something most unusual took place:
Nemo, making himself comfortable on the edge of Rogers' bunk, said:-
"Well, young Roger (VC and Bar), the deception's working! No-one knows that I can speak, despite my penguinness."
However, he was wrong, for Hieronymous Hamster, perched as he was on the taffrail immediately above Roger (VC and Bar)'s cabin, had picked up every word.
He promptly ...
fell overboard in shock. This loss of an old faithful crewmember? would have been bad enough but all his hamster mates, suffering from a collective identity crisis, thought they were lemmings and every last one of them jumped overboard.
Chocolate saw this and tried to raise the alarm, but his mouth was gaff taped shut, and the only person who heard him was Groans, and of course his reply was...
"I heard that! HAMSTERS OVERBOARD!"
whereupon the entire crew fell about laughing.
Occasional words could be discerned between guffaws, sayings such things as "He heard!" or "What'd 'e say?"
Meanwhile the hamsters were in dire straits, err, deep water, until...
... they realised that they were really in dire straits, or to be more accurate: Dyer Straits, the little known waterway that lies between the Isles of Langerhans and the Isles of Scillier (also known as the Isles of Absolutely Bloody Ridiculous).
The Dyer Straits are so configured the current flows in a manner that forces the water constantly to the surface. Consequently, it is nearly impossible to drown in these waters.
The hamsters, being very lightweight little organisms, were actually bobbing up and down on and above the surface alongside the Very Little Gravitas Indeed - and maintaining pace with the vessel as she shot the passage.
After a while, the crew became aware of this unusual spectacle and crowded the larboard rail, cheering the hamsters' progress:-
"Yee-hah!"
"Love your work!"
"Go, Hieronymus!"
and, of course:
"What'd 'e say?"
Roger (VC and Bar) was vastly entertained by this spectacle.
"I'm vastly entertained by this spectacle!" he said. "What an interesting and amusing sight! Hamsters bouncing along on the surface! Who'd have thought it?"
Hieronymus bounced up level with the quarterdeck, grabbed the rail and pulled himself aboard.
"I'm so glad you're amused, Lieutenant Commander," he said. "But it has clearly escaped your attention that we are reaching the end of Dyer Straits. When we do, all this positive buoyancy will disappear and my fellow hamsters will all drown! Might I suggest that you organise your crew so that, instead of crowding the rail gaping like morons (although, heaven knows that's what most of them are!) they set about catching my hamsters and bringing them back aboard? Hmmm?"
Roger (VC and Bar) was not a little put out. He said:-
THROW OUT SOME hAMSTER SIZE mAE wESTS, upon stating this, with his upper case impediment, he realised that being in Dyer Staits he should have said Dolly Dyers.
This statement ired Bob Dyer, after whom the straits where named as yet another late celebrity was introduced 'PICK A BOX' he bellowed...................
and Staines said'I'll have her' pointing at a very..........
a very good female impersonator of Graham Kennedy. Her name was...
...ding dong
"Come in" yelled Staines.
To no one's surprise a door opened and in walked...
Zed in drag :eek:
... followed by....
Grunt fully clothed.................
being led on a rhinestone studded leash by a trainer of donkeys who in a very gruff voice said 'if you even metion the rhinestone studded leash I will ask Cpt Nemo to.......
allow me to bring my donkeys on board.
Their names are...
the entire crew of the good ship Brisbane.
... which has been converted into a submarine and ....
was lost in the canals of Mountain Creek...
and was found by a local resident in half a canoe as he paddled into the conning tower of the converted submarine. 'Bleeding heck (or words to that effect) I've run into the conning tower of the converted submarine'
with that the half canoe fainted and said to nobody in particular...........
rather foolishly, it turns out, "Bugger me"
Whereupon...
...there was a great booming maritime yell from the quarter deck!
"Belay all them lubberly thoughts, ye swabs!"
It was Long John!
Standing four-square on the windward side of the quarter deck (the commander's side), he presented an imposing figure. His one good eye swept across the crew as they cringed before him.
"Oi'm takin' command of this 'ere vessel," quoth he. "An' Oi'm puttin' a stop to all them peeculiar practices that Oi'm told 'ave been takin' place aboard 'er for far too long. Seaman Staines!"
"Aye, aye, Cap'n!" said Staines (not, it must be said, without a frisson of trepidation. Although, it should also be said, Staines wouldn't know a frisson if it should fasten itself to his pantaloons and follow him about. That's a bit unlikely, of course .... however ....ermm .... moving along, then! Right!)
"Aye, aye, Cap'n!" said Staines.
"You be demoted to cabin boy!" said Long John. "Go and make some coffee and take it to moy cabin!"
Staines shuffled off, a beaten man.
"Lt. Commander Roger (VC and Bar)!" said Long John.
"Aye aye, Cap'n!" said Roger (VC and Bar). (Roger was actually relieved to be relieved of command).
"Can you navigate, lad?" said Long John.
"I can, Cap'n!" said Roger (VC and Bar).
"Roight, laad! You'm the noo navigator! Plot me a course for the Spanish Main by way of Cape Horn. We'll 'ave ourselves a bit of fun!"
Marmaduke Hamster, observing these interesting developments from the taffrail, turned to Hieronymus and said:-
"Pieces of eight, pieces of eight"
"You mark my words Hieronymous, whenever pirates are around, pieces of eight aren't very far behind."
"Yes" said Marmaduke," but what exactly is a piece of eight?"
Hieronymous looked to the fo'cstle and said .....
...Sally closed the book again, looked at the children and asked
"Who can tell me which plot features have been overlooked this time, in this very strange story, children?"
Billy, who had never really liked the Hamsters, was very eager to answer.
He said...
the chickens because they have stopped laying eggges until......
he was battered sensless.
Ahem.
Sally turned the page, and lo and behold, what should be on the top of the page but the words:
Chapter Nine
"Ah ha" said Sally, "let's see who is going to start off the narrative."
It wasn't a dark and stormy night.
Actually, it was a fine spring morning. The Very Little Gravitas Indeed was sailing in a sprightly manner on a southerly course.
On the poop, Cap'n Long John and his pilot, Lt Commander Roger (VC and Bar) were sipping their morning coffee which had just been served by the cabin boy, Seaman Staines.
On the maindeck, the Hole In The Drawers Collective were entertaining the crew with an Irish jig.
Sponcracker turned to Slartbast and said:
"Not even that upimself Irish hoofer Moichael O'Flatulence could dance a better jig than this!"
No sooner had the words left his mouth when the Rip parted (with a highly appropriate farting noise) and who should appear but that upimself Irish hoofer Moichael O'Flatulence!
"Oh no?" quoth he. "Watch this!" And he proceeed to burn up the maindeck with a high speed clattering exhibition of terpsichorean show-offingness. He moved rapidly sideways across the deck. His feet were just a blur. At the very crescendo of his dance, knees pumping, chest heaving, supercilious smirk well to the fore, his descending heel connected with a belaying pin which just happened to roll towards him - from somewhere near Leading Artificer Groans, who happened to be looking in a different direction.
O'Flatulence's feet shot skywards and he disappeared over the taffrail. His loud cry of "ERRKK!" was abruptly cut off as the ship's wake closed over him.
The crew looked at one another and ...
breathed a collective sigh of relief, which was short lived because out of nowhere came an escapee from the extreme games who was riding his high tech wake board behind the sprightly Very Little Gravitas Indeed, he scooped Moichael up, performed a gnarly backside air followed by a fully sick re-entry and threw the amazed dancer back on the poop. The camera boat collected the would be hero and disappeared through the Rip.
The crew of our ship could only say...
BUGGER
"Looks like we're stuck with O'Flatulance"
However, just then....
.... Staines, heading up the companionway from the galley with a tray bearing the Cap'n's breakfast, tripped over a couple of companions and was hurled headlong across the poop deck.
His crusty old mariner's head collided with O'Flatulence's hip. The prancing Irish exhibitionist - whilst sopping wet from his brief sojourn in the 'oggin - was congratulating himself on his good fortune when Staines' rough personage caught him amidships and propelled him once more clean over the taffrail.
"Not aga.....! ERRRKKKK!!" said O'Flatulence.
There was a splash.
An Extreme Games wave-boarder materialised through the Rip! He headed towards O'Flatulence as he surfaced in the wake of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed!
Leading Artificer Groans - that very Ancient Mariner - hoisted his arquebus to his arthritic shoulder, sighted down its length and, mistaking the wave boarder for an albatross, blasted him from the sky with approximately half a kilo of mixed nuts, bolts, gravel and muesli!
"By the Lord Harry!" said Hieronymus Hamster. "This voyage gets more interesting by the minute!"
"Yerss," said Marmaduke. "But...."