introduced him self as Dr Who, reset his co-ordinates and made off for the Planet Sensible......................
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introduced him self as Dr Who, reset his co-ordinates and made off for the Planet Sensible......................
but made a minor mathematical error and ended up at the Craporium where his tardis was instantly impounded by..................
the highest bidder.
Oz was peeved, and said 'I am peeved', what could he do now to gain an extra margin.
The highest bidder was none other than................
... a troll named Prince C......
...Crayon who drew himself on a piece of paper and sent it to the mystical omnipotent owner of that superfragalistic store of.........
everything that nobody else loves anymore. The tardis was not for sale, however, as Al had a cunning plan. The tardis, you see is about the size of a dinkum dunny, so Al placed it where all his unwanted guests display their wares, wrote "turdis" above the door and waited to see what would happen.
He was hoping that people would either go in to do their business or pi.., um, er, ...go elsewhere (See I am trying to be good).
What eventuated was that...
a person stepped out of the turdis door with paint stripper and said 'Ok paint your next strip show is about to start'with that he left her outside and with a few strange noises the turdis disappeared from the story line leaving a bewildered Ms Paint Stripper standing there stunned 'begger me Im stunned' she said when approached by...................
Al, who had seen the whole incident on his cctv, but he wasn't going to admit that to her, preferring to watch her obvious discomfort.
What he said to her was...
'skuse me sailor,got a light....................................................
beer for an old nancy boy like me?
"I'm not that stunned" she said, whereupon Al replied...
I'd better call the watch maker as the spring on this bloody thing appears to have broken and made the whole post come to a grinding halt.
Abdul the spring maker, of questionable parentage, was passing and having been out of work since the advent of Quartz watch and clock movements offered his services.
I am wishing to repair your time machine good sir he said, PI$$ OFF was the reply from all nearby.
Abdul remounted his time travelling camel and vanished into.................................
... what appeared to be a narrow gap in the wall but was in fact (of course, duh!!) the RITFOTU.
Abdul, mounted upon his camel and with a bagful of tiny springs, cog wheels and miniature tools hanging round his neck, materialised on the quarter deck of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.
He was just in time to witness Halfrit Sponcracker attempting a running repair on the binnacle-mounted compass. Now Sponcracker, being a highly gifted techo, was very good with all things electronic but something relatively simple, like a compass, had him at a disadvantage.
Abdul dismounted, climbed the companionway onto the poop deck, carefully avoiding treading on a couple of casual companions and said:-
"May I help? I am a highly-qualified itinerant watch and clock repairing person."
Predictably, this led to some background chat between Groans and Staines of an enquiring, responding, abusing and ultimately insulting nature.
Meanwhile, Sponcracker ....
GGGGGRRRRRRROOOOOAAAAANNNNN, I thought this had died. :eek: :)
And you thought it'd be me who resurrected it!
Don't worry I thought about it.
But now it's open slather.
Whoohoo
(Not to put too fine a point on it, but, with apologies for the interruption):-
,,,Meanwhile Sponcracker ....
replied
"I feel somewhat at a disadvantage with these simple technolimited devices, not a chargruncle in sight and no use of radio-unclear trapezolloids whatsoever and as for...."
But we are spared any more of his grievances because at that moment one of the casual companions who were scrubbing the deck, asked
"Where's the soap?"
the whingeing of the hapless Sponcracker was drowned out as the whole crew replied, in unison...
look theres Midge the trans siberian express must have pulled into the station.
and on that note ( a C flat) they all rushed to the port taffrail to welcome.........
(had to happen )
... but the welcome had to be postponed. The sudden shift in the vessel's equilibrium, consequent upon the crew rushing to one side, had the disastrous effect of throwing the Mother Farcquar out of her hammock, slung as it was between two especially strengthened mountings on the orlop deck.
There was a tremendous concussive thud, followed by a short pause and then a torrent of bad language.
The crew - appalled - turned as one and stared, open-mouthed in apprehension, at the midships companionway.
This proved to be a mistake because the Mother Farcquar chose to ascend to the maindeck via the forrard companionway. Unlike Abdul, she had no compunction about treading on casual companions. Her upward progress was marked by bone-crunching noises and muffled screaming. Nothing new for the Mother Farcquar, of course.
Abdul, who had never seen anything like the Mother Farcquar, fearfully clasped his camel around the neck for protection and ....
"PIRATES!!"
Came the cry from the crow's nest............
"Avast, ye scurvy lubbers!" cried the Mother Farcquar.
"What did she say?" said Groans.
"Belay that, ye pox-ridden cur!" quoth Staines, and ...
... changing conversational style in an instant, Staines complied with the orders of the new day. He swatted Groans about the head with a back and forth wristy action while intoning:-
"Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!'
Groans had never heard of the Three Stooges (not surprising since Groans can't hear much at all) so he took strong exception to being swatted by Staines. He picked up a belaying pin and beaned Staines fair on the top of the scone.
Staines dropped like an empty sock.
Abdul's camel, skittering in fear away from the Mother Farcquar, trod on Staines and fell. In doing so, he brought down ...
a bluderbuss and cutlass ready to repel boarders but then as quick as they appeared the pirates disappeared when the clock struck midnight and was promptly arrested for assault and battery(battery clock yer honour) midnight whinnied in delight and headed for a free feed at Ians place just a short trot through the RITFOTU. As he disappeared Staines remarked to no one in particular.......
is that Lawrence of Arabia I see opn the horizon in search of the fiendish Abdul.
Staines also considered how many other innocent bystanders could be dragged into this farce.......................
...when he was surprised by the sight of Danni Minogue (obviously after any sort of media exposure) chasing after Peter O 'Toole in his not so famous role as Laurence.
Danni said...
Cor, guvner, butter me on both sides.
but artificer Groans being deaf thought she'd said...
Would ya like to bonk me and the sister, together........
where upon staines woke up with a strange feeling on his stomach and said to a perfect stranger passing by 'hey Ozwinner me old china can ya spare a zac for.......
Turning the page, Sally continued reading:
"I remember him as if it were yesterday, as he came
plodding to the inn door, his sea-chest following
behind him in a hand-barrow--a tall, strong, heavy,
nut-brown man, his tarry pigtail falling over the
shoulder of his soiled blue coat, his hands ragged and
scarred, with black, broken nails, and the sabre cut
across one cheek, a dirty, livid white. I remember him
looking round the cover and whistling to himself as he
did so, and then breaking out in that old sea-song that
he sang so often afterwards:
"Fifteen men on the dead man's chest--
Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!"
in the high, old tottering voice that seemed to have
been tuned and broken at the capstan bars. Then he
rapped on the door with a bit of stick like a handspike
that he carried, and when my father appeared, called
roughly for a glass of rum. This, when it was brought
to him, he drank slowly, like a connoisseur, lingering
on the taste and still looking about him at the cliffs
and up at our signboard.
"This is a handy cove," says he at length; "and a
pleasant sittyated grog-shop. Much company, mate?"
Roger of course replied ......
"How did you lose your leg?"
He replied: "Well, cully, 'twere like this: I fell overboard in shark-infested seas and before me shipmates could haul me back aboard, one of them big fish had chewed away me leg, Aarrgh!'
Roger said: "Golly! And why is it that you have a hook instead of a hand?"
"Well, me hearty, 'twere like this: we was in a terrible sea-battle with them Navy scoundrels and when we was boarded, one of 'em clewed away me hand with his cutlass. That old drunken sawbones we had couldn't do much for me so I had the shipyard fix me a hook when we was next in port. Aarrgh!"
"And so," said Roger. "why do you wear a patch over one eye?"
"Well, young 'un, twere like this: I was conning the ship and - as I looked up to see the luff of the main t'gallants - a damn' seagull crapped right into my eye. Aarrgh!"
"But surely!" protested Roger. "Surely a little bit of seagull poop couldn't do that much damage to your eye?"
"Well, shipmate, 'twere like this:" he said. "It was me first day with the hook ....."
"It were me first day with the hook, aargh!"
"Golly" said Roger, enthralled,"reminds me of me cabin boy days"
"How's that, matey, aargh?" replied the one legged, one handed, one eyed stranger.(who, Col old mate, had better not answer to "lucky", or won't be the only one groaning)
Sally ran her finger further down the page and read:-
"But soft! What light from yonder window breaks?"
Tarquin (who, although he didn't know it, was a distant relation of Leading Artificer Groans) misheard her. All that his aural receptors picked up were the words "wind" and "breaks". Easing one quadricep a carefully-calculated 15 millimetres from the hard plywood surface of his chair, he farted.
Pandemonium!
"PHWOAR!" said a group of his less restrained classmates (in unison). "Open the windows!'
"I say!" said Marmaduke. "Have a care!"
"Leave the room, Tarquin!" said Sally, standing up and pointing to the door of the classroom. She dropped her book.
This may have been the reason why an enormous wave struck the Very Little Gravitas Indeed fine on the starboard quarter, washing over the foc'sle and causing Abdul and his camel a few moments of further alarm (they had, after all, only just been confronted with the heart-stopping spectacle of the Mother Farcquar in full and horrible flight).
Abdul needn't have been too concerned. The VLGI was a superbly seaworthy vessel. She staggered under the weight of several hundred tonnes of salty water but, recovering splendidly, she shook herself and swung upright again.
As she did so, there was a tearing noise (not unlike Tarquin's classroom indiscretion) and something very odd materialised on the quarterdeck. It was ...
Farty Slartbast. Halfrit Sponcracker's erstwhile CRO (Chief Robotics Officer).
"Sponcracker!" exclaimed Slartblast. "Do I have to remind you yet again that lunch hour is from 12:00 to 12:45 and definitely not half a millenium. Which is approximately how long you've been away from your workstation!"
Trembling, Halfrit replied ......
"I've not been at lunch, but on a mission for paying customers, in fact old friends of yours Slartblast, the mice were not happy with proceedings on their latest little experiment here."
"Rubbish!" exploded Slartbast "The mice were only just yesterday telling me how happy they were with the job young was doing keeping this lot of ne'er do wells undercontrol.Now get back to work!"
With that, Halfrit would have wimperingly slithered across TRITFOTU except that he slipped on a smear of MFKL that had fallen out of the MF's coiffure.
He slammed into Slartbast and sent him sprawling straight into the previously mentioned seagull poo infected hook of the one eyed, one legged stranger, who exclaimed...
"Who is that fine looking wench?"
He was gazing in obvious admiration at the Mother Farcquar who, by the way, had decided she preferred Flash Dordogne's over-stretched lycra jumpsuit and was, horribly enough, wearing it.
Sponcracker took in this dire vision, looked back at the pirate and realised that he really was gazing lustfully at the Mother Farcquar. Sponcracker cleared his throat.
"Er - would you," he ventured. "Would you like an introduction?"
"Belay that, shipmate!" said the one-legged one. "Do I look like a member of polite society? I'm a buccaneer. I takes me women when I please!"
With that, he hauled himself over to the Mother Farcquar and, in an astonishing feat of strength and dexterity, threw her across his shoulder and made off with her!
The Mother Farcquar trembled, causing ripples throughout the jumpsuit (a particularly stomach-wrenching spectacle) and giggled in a high falsetto:
"Oh! You naughty person! Put me down!"
She ....
didn't really mean it though because Clarence had been neglecting her.
So off through the for'ard hatch went the unlikely couple, much to the visual relief of all (present and otherwise) :eek:
Just then who should enter through TRITFOTU than...
An officious looking twit wearing a white lab coat, carrying a clip board and trying, but not succeeding, to hide a distinct lack of chin.
In a nasally whiney voice he announced " My name is Cyril Pettifogger. I've been sent by the Universe OH&S department to determine whether or not this ship is dangerously overloaded. To that end it is my intention to take a roll call of all those alleged to be aboard this, ahem, vessel. Now, if you hear your name, please answer 'present'".
With that he began to read from his clipboard:
Roger, Captain. "present" replied Roger
Groans, artificer. "What'd he say?" asked Groans
Staines, Seaman. "present he replied as he battered Groans about the ears"
Frontbottom, Major. "present"
Le Clair, Chocolate. "oui"
Nemo, penguin. "quack"
Silver, Long John. "arrrgh"
Farcquar, Mother. "Alright Madam I'll just mark you down as being present"
Sponcracker, Halfrit. "present'
Slartbast, Farty. "present"
Hornblower, Fellatio. .....
Hornbblower, Fellatio ....
"I say" said Cyril, "it appears that we have no Hornblower."
"Has anybody seen Fellatio?"
To which the assembled crew replied.....
in unison, with full orchestration and four part harmony...
"WHAT'D 'E SAY?"
And they all fell about laughing.
Pettifogger was nonplussed. Roger (VC and Bar) looked at him and said, loudly:
"I'll bet you're nonplussed, aren't you?"
The crew fell about again, rolling around the deck, tears streaming down their faces. Even the hamsters along the taffrail were chuckling.
Pettifogger threw his pencil and clipboard down and stamped his foot. He was about to express himself when ...
through the RITFOTU came a motherly voice "Cyril, you pick up that pencil and go to your room. We'll have none of your tantrums, in this universe or the other. Now move young man!"
Cyril scurried away and the crew fell about again, saying...