started to play with his ...
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started to play with his ...
Joystick and soon found a blowup mail order..
plane. Which was absolutely useless for woodwork but really good for using as a ..
... means to an end. Quite what end Roger had not determined when, suddenly, nothing happened!
He was so amazed at this development that he ...
inadvertently dropped a floatie in his bathtub....
which was empty at the time. He quickly dashed out of the bathroom not wanting to be blamed for the decaying polly waffle....
... and almost ran headlong into a pig in a spacesuit,
"Hell's Teeth!" thought Roger. "There's that bloody Muppet again. The captain of the Starship Swinetrek. What was his name?"
He didn't have time to stop and converse with the porker because he had decided that he needed to put some distance between himself and the contents of the bathtub. He took off, leaving the porcine aerospace adventurer (what the hell was his name anyway?) to wonder ...
why grown, seemingly sane persons, spend valuable time writing this drivel. But he thought if I say that aloud, I'll become a pariah like that whatsisname person, so he just walked into the room recently vacated by Roger just in time to ...
... shave off al of his armpit hair to use as ......
hearing protection for when the brown sticky smelly stuff hit the fan over Roger's recent antics, so...
... when Roger raced back in, pointed at the space-suit clad pig and shouted, triumphantly:-
"Link Hogthrob! Captain of the Starship Swinetrek! That's who you are!"
he failed to hear him. This is a pity because not many people ever remember this particular Muppet's name so it would have been pleasant for him to realise he was not entirely forgotten. However ...
he must work on his image. Let's face it, a pig in space, wearing a silver suit and having a name no one remebers is a bit of a pain in the.....
.... woodwork..... nearly as bad as termites up the ......
space suits ablution tube. Suddenly, as is wont in this story, the Klingons re-appeared in a puff of space dust and obliterated the entire Muppet crew. The Klingons always detested any creature that looked like they were stuffed animals.
Roger was pleased with this turn of events because ...
The big yellow canary looked and tasted like ....
stuffed Muppet. They always taste the same thought Roger, why can't they taste like crumpet he mused, crumpets are nice and fluffy and......
... Roger was quite obviously fantasising.
How would he know what crumpet tastes like? All his previous experience had been on the Good Ship Venus and the other good ship Very Little Gravitas, mixing with crew members like Seaman Staines. Not the sort of background that would give a young bloke much of a clue about crumpet.
However, all this was about to change because, suddenly ...
the Klingons had introduced him to a whole new ball game (cuisine wise, and any pun there was unintentional. ;) ).
Mr Ex cabin boy, ex apprentice, now man about town, debonaire Roger had learned about...
... Nouvelle Cuisine where less is more. Being a complete dickhead, Roger fell for this pretentious, minimalist crap, hook, line and sinker. He began to ponce about the place, extolling the virtues of tiny slivers of under-cooked vegies arranged "tastefully" on enormous platters.
This, naturally enough, engendered a good deal of ill-feeling towards Roger amongst the rest of the crew, who, accordingly ...
threw the puncy little overboard along with his fondue set...
... the one with the wooden accoutrements that had been presented to him by on the occasion of his........
first time on his knees. Roger loved his fondue set so much that he wouldn't let it go. The weight of it dragged Roger down and deeper into the water and he drowned.
Roger, having died many times before was not perturbed by this turn of events. Roger found himself ...
... sinking down towards the ancient lost city of Atlantis, where Nouvelle Cuisine had yet to be invented. Captain Nemo was waiting for him with his long, thin, seaman filled ...
Nautilous (sp?). He was part of the way through his 40,000 leagues so he had time to pick up the hapless Roger anf his fondue set.
Opening the sub's hatch he ...
... just had time to shout "DOH!!" before he was engulfed by thousands of gallons of seawater flooding in through the hatch (which tends to happen when you open the hatch whilst submerged).
Although this was a significant setback ...
... it had happened a few times before and the crew knew the drill. While the second mate sucked up the water with his GMC wet and dry shop vac, the rest of the crew closed the hatch and set about fixing the pleats in Captain Nemo's trousers. "I wish I could remember to stop doing that," murmured the captain, glancing at a soggy piece of paper in his pocket, "fortunately we are just about to dock at Atlantis to pick up somne more ...
to pick up somme more....
Battle plans?
sorry, now the real answer, ...some more...
wooden skewers, seeing as how we now likely to be having a fondue party..
with Roger juice as the dipping sauce and balls ...
... akimbo, the crew danced a hornpipe as the fondue was marched into the fo'csle by the galley stewards.
Captain Nemo was a bit off-put by this display of nautical tradition and he ...
.. was not at all a fan of fondue, although apparently it was all the rage in Western Australia. Nevertheless he had found in situations like this, with an impending stopover in Atlantis, that it was better to let the crew get it out of their system now before they unleashed upon the unsuspecting Atlantians their ...
... overwhelming fascination with dance as an art form.
In itself, of course, there is nothing reprehensible about taking an interest in dancing. However, in the case of the crew of the Nautilus, lack of coordination combined with total lack of rhythm and serious tone-deafness, turned their terpsichorean forays into a different art form altogether. One more reminiscent of ...
Fat Lady Nude Jelly Wrestling. This is the sort of thing that Captain Nemo ...
... enjoyed when it involved fat ladies (think Benny Hill's character in the original movie: The Italian Job) but when it involved the scrawny male crew of the Nautilus, he found it stomach-turning. This condition is not a good pre-cursor to any meal involving fondue, and ...
resulted in a techni-color yawn in the centre of the dining room floor....
which although disgusting, reminded the crew of that seminal Barry McKenzie song, "We Chundered in the Old Pacific Sea".
So they decided to do an all singing all dancing and further more, all puking rendition of it:
Ready mr music?
"I was down on Manly Pier
Drinking tubes of ice cold beer
With a bucket full of prawns upon the side ....
and along came Manly mincing along the pier
saw me drinking my ice cold beer
and said" Hello ducks, do you have the time?"
'cause if you do you can.....
... (segue into another B. MacKenzie number from his time in London):-
One day as I strode
Along Earl's Court Road
Into a pub I was lured
"Where do you come from?"
Said a nosey Pom.
As I sipped the amber fluid.
"Well, I'll tell ya straight.
I'm Australian, mate.
And I feel like gettin' plastered.
But this beer's crook
And the girls all look
Like you, ya Pommy bastard".
Which prompted the crew to do an encore of the Chunder song:
I was down by Bondi Pier,
Drinkin tubes of ice cold beer,
With a bucket full of prawns upon my knee,
When I swallowed the last prawn,
I had a technicolor yawn,
And I chundered in the old Pacific Sea.
Drink it up, drink it up,
Crack another dozen tubes and prawns with me,
If you want to throw your voice,
Mate you won't have any choice,
But to chunder in the old Pacific Sea.
I was sittin in the surf,
When a mate of mine called Murf,
Asks if he can crack a tube or two with me,
The bastard barely swallowed it,
When he went for the big spit,
And he chundered in the old Pacific Sea.
Drink it up, drink it up,
Crack another dozen tubes and prawns with me,
If you want to throw your voice,
Mate you won't have any choice,
But to chunder in the old Pacific Sea.
I've had liquid laughs in bars,
And I've hurled from moving cars,
And I've chuckled when and where it suited me,
But if I could choose the spot,
To regurgitate me lot,
Then I'd chunder in the old Pacific Sea..
Drink it up, drink it up,
Crack another dozen tubes and prawns with me,
If you want to throw your voice,
Mate you won't have any choice,
But to chunder in the old Pacific Sea.
This was all getting a bit much for Nemo, so under the pretence of going to point Percy at the porcelain, bleed the lizard, and shake hands with the unemployed, he slipped out the back for a little ...
straining of the potatoes.
Meanwhile, Atlantis was fast approaching.
The officer of the watch, Lieutenant Flogswell .....