The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

...and an uncommon amount of clock watching from those who should be capable of better, that is those who should be doing good turns (every day).
It came as no surprise to the Driver of the train that the ship suddenly disappeared from his field of view and materialised back in this thread where it belongs(safe from the clutches of the evil axe weilding giant).
Suddenly, Heave-Ho(that incredibly goodlooking crewman) called from the crows nest above
"We've Clingons on the starboard bow, cap'n!"
Captain Beaut and Captain Nemo both jumped at the mention of their rank and said simultaineously, (not collectively, I should add)
"wouldn't you know it, just when you thought it was safe to...

go for a holiday on a train and.............

just then Miss Marples walked around the corner. She had obviously mistaken the Rip in the fabric of the universe for the door to the ladie's loo.

"What are you all doing in the Ladies?" she enquired.

Such was the variety, peculiarity and specificity of the answers to her question that she took a step backwards, straight through the Rip and back aboard the Trans-Siberian Express.

"How is it that people occasionally appear round a corner on this vessel when it has no corners?" said Frontbottom.

-----oOo------

"Yes, miss," said Tarquin. "I was going to ask about that!"

"Well.....," said Sally. But as she was about to reply, ffortescue (with two small effs) leapt to his feet and twassocked Tarquin about the ears with a rolled-up copy of The Lancet (his father was a neuro-surgeon). He was deeply underwhelmed by Tarquin. To no-one's particular surprise, he said:-

"I'm deeply underwhelmed by Tarquin. This corner business has come up on previous occasions and been adequately dealt with. It's literary licence, you half-wit. Incidentally," he went on. "Has anyone noticed that Sponcracker's first name: Halfrit - is very close to half-wit? Could this be at all significant, d'you think?"

The words had scarcely left his lips when the classroom door yawned open and Sponcracker walked in. Pressing a large red button on his remote control, he caused ffortescue (with two small effs) to freeze.

Consternation! Did this mean that ffortescue (with two small effs) was a droid or :eek: did it mean that Halfrit Sponcracker had devised a means of controlling humans as well as droids?

Well......

...might we say "God save the Queen, cause nothing will save the gov...
go...
goddamned mongrels who keep using the craporium as a toilet" said Alfonso who had suddenly appeared around that non existant corner in an attempt to enlist the aid of Sponcracker in his(Alfonso's) quest for...

.. a perfect mortice and tenon ...

which didn't involve some creative use of the drill press to form four perfectly rounded dowels, sorry, rounded tenons.

Anyway, back to the story. Of course Hafrit hadn't found a way to controll humans. This of course could only mean that Sally and the entire class were cunning automatons.

"Well I'll be buggered" said Roger....

Everyone looked at Staines.

"No way!" said Staines. "He's our commanding officer these days! You won't trap me like that. D'you know what the penalty would be?"

"What is he talking about?" said Frontbottom - all unaware of the history of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.

"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.

"Now," said Sponcracker. "I've warned you two about this on a previous occasion and ..."

...now you're going to get a spanking.
Suddenly the ship was over run with nuns all wanting to be spanked as well.And after the spankings comes the ...

.... the venerable Miss Marples who once again has wandered through the rip and left the train far behind.................

"I'm here," declared Miss M. "to discover the solution to the mystery."

"But no-one has been murdered!" said Roger (VC and Bar).

"No indeed," said Miss Marple. "The mystery to which I refer, young man, is the mystery surrounding the teacher Susan and her pupils."

Everyone looked astonished.

"The mystery," said the spinterish little detective. "As to why, if they are all automatons, ffortescue (with two small effs) has a father who is a neuro-surgeon. Or, come to that, any sort of father at all!"

There was a collective drawing-in of breath. (There's that word collective again and still no sign of the knicker-hatted terpsichorean troupe!).

"Well..." said Sally before she was, once more, interrupted by ffortescue (with two small effs) ....

"Look out Miss here comes that knicker-hatted terpsichorean troupe!." and with that ...................

... some very loud terpsichorean activities broke out , causing Miss Marples to grab ffortescue (with two small effs) by the hand and ......

... whirl across the ballroom floor (where the hell did the ballroom come from?) in a spirited and distinctly un-Miss Marple-like tango.

There was a burst of spontaneous ....

dancing and suddenly they found themselves on a train heading to no where in particular and Miss Sally venture to say.....

I wonder if the band could play a "Pride Of Erin"....

... but she got no further. With a tremendous syncopated clattering, the Hole in the Drawers Collective, shod (collectively) in clogs and wearing - with almost impossible, dauntless, foolhardy courage, a pair of the Mother Farcquar's more voluminous bloomers atop their collective noggins, burst forth onto the poop deck and executed a chorus-line version of the main dancing theme from Riverdance.

All that was missing was an appearance by that upimself Irish Yank, Moichael O'Flatulence.

"All that's missing," said Roger (VC and Bar). "is an appearance by that upimself Irish Yank, Moichael O'Flatulence!"

Scarcely had the words left his lips when, with a tearing noise, the Rip parted and O'Flatulence himself, arms akimbo, pranced onto the poop.

"Bugger!" said .....

everyone

.... lets get outta here and go for a trip on the Trans-Siberian Express..........

there was a trrible rending noise which everyone knew was just the rip doing its thing when suddenly, from somewhere near Kempsey, NSW came a horrible, deformed creature. Clad in a red flannelette shirt, scratching his beard and telling tales of woe from the trans Siberian Adventure.
"Hovo is dead !" he screamed.
"Felled by the axe of deletion, never to return."
Sadly, however, the force is not to be defeated so easily and the horrible pitiful creature you see before you is his reincarnation. Caliban, the tempestuous beast. Hovo tried to warn you of the dangers of the rip in the fabric of the universe. Now he is its latest victim. Dragged behind a speeding train across frozen tundra would have killed someone less powerful in the force of the rip, but like Roger, he is at his most dangerous when he is dead.
Hovo is gone and only this sad creature remains. After this post no mention will ever be made of the poor fool again.

HEY EVERY BODY hOVOS DEAD.............alas poor hove er who cares :D
anyway lets head for the rip and the train and then we will.............

Chapter Eight

Algernon Frontbottom awoke feeling a little queer.
At first though, he couldn't quite put his finger on it.

The roll of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed felt exactly the same as it had every other morning he'd woken aboard the most peculiar vessel he'd ever encountered.

The morning sun warmed him as it had done many a time before.
And the sounds of the jolly Jack Tars cavorting in the rigging was almost homely.

And yet, and yet, something just didn't feel quite right.

Stretching luxuriously, Frontbottom opened his eyes to a sight that horrified him so much that he was rendered speechless.

For he had seen.....

.. a computer monitor displaying the Ubeaut bulletin board.

In a flash he realised he was only a figment of someone's imagination.

The horror of it swept home when he realised the author (or should I say his daddy) was none other than .......

...it is eye, le Claire...

"Chocolate" Le Clair, the completely unknown Belgian detective.

"Monsieur" said Chocolate as he cast a supercilious eye over Frontbotom, "It appears that you 'ave neglected your dress'.

Frontbottom cast his eyes southward and was absolutely appalled to find that....

he was, in fact, sans foilie(ah la Al ;) ).
So covering up his nether regions he smiled and said ...

"Daddy!"

Chocolate was astonished.

"I'm astonished!" he said. "How on earth..."

did you know that?
And why are you naked?
Well he said, it all started when...

... I took a trip on a train and met....

... some people who told me I might find a chap called Fellatio Hornblower aboard this very odd vessel."

At the mention of the name Hornblower, Chocolate Le Clair gave a start (Actually, he hauled a starting pistol from his trenchcoat pocket and fired it. Three hamsters took off along the taffrail at a helluva clip but no-one else paid any attention. This, after all, was the poop deck of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed).

Frontbottom continued:

"Hornblower was supposed to be able to tell me where I might find you, Daddy. So I came aboard."

(Dear Reader, a description of Frontbottom's arrival aboard the Very Little ... can be found in Post #396).

"Listen," said Chocolate. "Listen...er, Major, is it? You keep calling me Daddy. Bit worried about this, actually. Can't imagine where or when I might have fathered a bloody Royal Marine. I mean, y'know .... used to put meself about a bit, of course, we-e-e-lll, I mean, you do, don't you? But...."

There was a slightly embarrassed pause. Chocolate resumed.

"On the other hand," he said. "Couldn't help noticing that you mentioned Fellatio Hornblower there, a minute ago. Knew him once. Knew his sister rather better. Very tasty little thing. Can't quite recall her name..."

Frontbottom stiffened.

"Can't quite remember her name? CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER HER BLOODY NAME! YOU PILLOCK! YOU ....."

...cad, you bounder, you...you...you ...

..........What did you do to Hovo?
With that..............

... with that, Chocolate gave another start (out with the starting pistol: BANG! - three more hamsters took off along the taffrail).

Chocolate had remembered her name.

"I've remembered her name!" he said. "Fellatio's sister! I've just remembered her name. It was Connie. That's it. Connie Hornblower!"

"That's right," said Frontbottom with a bitter, ironic smile. "At last he remembers!"

"Little Connie Hornblower!" said Le Clair, lost in a nostalgic reverie. "Lovely girl. I wonder how she is these days."

"Mother's quite well, thank you," said Frontbottom stiffly. "She recently re-married. Chap called Langrishe, actually. So she's now Connie Langrishe."

"Well, well," said Chocolate. "That's..."

..about the bottom of the barrell as far as puns go...

"What do you think, Hieronymus?" said Hector the hamster.

"We-e-ll," said Hieronymus. "I've heard worse. That cunning linguist gag's getting a bit tired. About four out of ten for endeavour, I'd say."

"Speaking of Endeavour," said Hector. "SAIL HO! And it looks very much like Cook's vessel!"

He pointed to a wide-beamed, tough-looking three-master about two points off the port quarter and bearing down on the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.

"SAIL HO!" he yelled again. "Cook's vessel!"

"Doesn't look anything like a cooking vessel!" said Groans. "Looks more like a three-masted collier to me."

With that....

all the hamsters were shocked.
"We're shocked" they chortled."We were expecting Groans to say 'What did 'e say' instead of his very eloquent reply."
The crew were more surprised than the hamsters.
"We're more surprised than you guys", they said. "We had trouble hearing you, so why was Groans suddenly cured of his deafness?"
"I heard that" said Groans.
"It's a miracle" said Roger, (Vc and Bar etc)
"More to the point" said Frontbottom, "Why is Captain Cook suddenly off our starboard bow, pretending to be a Klingon?"...

... thats obvious said Hieronymus pointing , "They have come to catch the Transcontinental Siberian Express from yonder train station. At that they heard a shrill......

noise as the hard drive seized at the sheer absurdity of this ongoing frivolity.
The frivolity drive was overloaded and the Frivolity Master was none other than, experienced in all matters relating to time and frivolous travel, the one and only.................

taaaaaadaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...................Renee a frenchman of great courage (having to listen to the singing of his wife he had to be) and I will only sat this once but I found..........

the doctor, who...