So what's all this about, then?

In her first address to the Motley Crew Edna began a long winded description of how things would be run from now on, interspersed with "Possums" here and there. She was interupted on occaision by voices from the galley which said "where's me bloody foil helmet" and "who's nicked me flamin hammer you lot" and other thing like "I can't find me underpants".

Anyway, Edna's instructions where apparently to ban all references to anybody called "Roger" but she never got the chance to finish because HeavHo said "Bugger This" and hit the Warp drive button, sending the merry bunch into....

rapid decent into a world where everyone was topsy turvy. Brace Grunt was now BraceCaptain and Captain Beaut was now BeautGrunt...

eh? So what happened to Cap's underdacks. Without so much as an explanation the Cap'n donned his "Y" front hat and headed for the bridge mumbling.....

"Everything on this ship is so weird! I do wish I knew where my ...

foil underpants are :o

It was at this point Mr Squeezzy, who got his name from a rather unfortunate incident with a Mitsubishi truck and...I digress, was rather at a loss for words.

Ol Mr Zwinnger hopped madly from one foot to the other clutching his nether regions....Digressing again.

Wilencee suddenly said "Its clear what we have to do crew members" and everybody looked at him like stunned mullets, which was a good thing in this story because the mullets things could provide some mileage down the track.
. "Yes", said Wilencee, "one of us must sell our sole to the Gevil Iant, which means we shall have to quote the good book in all posts, cut out all superflous threads about bicycling and lycra and never ever use the word.......

axe

"He can have mine" said Zwinnger holding up a rather dead really flat fish. "The sole of my plane is about about knackered" said HeavHo, "he can have that"Meanwhile Werknot had been testing out the Apprentice, but kept referring to him as

Woger for some strange reason? Suddenly......

Susan (which was a crappy American TV show starring Brooke Shields) appeared in their midst and, lofting a scimitar above her head, did cry "fret not, my dashing adventurers, you need not fear the axe of the giant when we stand united behind the power of ...

the mottley crew.

At this point the "Very Little Granitas Indeed" shook violently. Woger, I mean Roger the apprentice rushed up on all fours and shouting about a big hole. It seemed the good ship had struck a submerged reef, which on later inspection was found to be an artificial reef made up old GMC power tools. It seemed the only thing big enough to plug the hole and save the ship was Edna's......

F250 which she had found beside the road with it's engine completely stuffed. She.....

... folded her arms, blinked and nodded her head at the same time. There was a sort of an indescribable boing/twang sound and the F250 disappeared and re-appeared in the hole. Edna looked around at the crew, who were all staring slack-jawed. "Well, haven't you ever seen ...

attempted to stuff it into the hole but sadly it wouldn't fit.

Suddenly a voice boomed out over the ship's Intercom:

"This ship's integrity has been compromised and it will self destruct in 5 minutes"

Yes it was the voice of the ship's computer.

The crew looked at each other in consternation as they all knew that the lifeboat would only hold three people. But which three would it be.

The Ship's computer intoned:

This ship will self destruct in four minutes and thirty seconds" .....

"She canna take it, Capt'n. She's gunna blow... " and wirh that Edna did the blinking of the head and arms trick that didn't work last time becauase the narrator got confused. The whole crew suddenly found themselves on a ...

... completely different rate of pay from the one they had all agreed when they enlisted. This led them to ...

Who all had wooden legs and wooden willies and wooden......

eyes!
But back to Droover....this led them to hold a union meeting, where they immediately elected a pommy shop steward called demon woody, who negotiated a whole new deal on the proviso that the script writers included something stolen from Douglas Adams and so they introduced Marvin the paranoid android to the troublesome ship's computer who after twenty three seconds with Marvin committed suicide and saved thre ship from total destruction. This left our mottley crew feeling tempted to do a cover version of the old Split Enz song "six months in a leaking ship", but the leak and the sudden demise of the computer with its whizz bang DVd recording capabilities left them without the wherewithall. Just then HeaveHo hit the warp button again because his alter ego had written himself into a corner, with (other than the mullet story) no apparent way out.

So, spurred on by their new borne workplace agreement the crew members decided to throw a party, which was not a good idea at Warp 7 but nobody seemed to mind. The Ex Captain Beaut asked Woger if he knew where Staines was, "in the back of your undies apparently" replied Woger. "No No, Seamen Staines" shouted Beaut. "Well presumably these would be in the front" said Roger but the Ex-Captain was ranting again.

And so went the booze up. At the height of this sulubrious gathering Master Pornpurveyor, suffering the affects of too many.......

apprentices, decided it was time to say "wooden", but was beaten to it by me. So master pornpurveyor threatened to use the universally feared delete button , if the party didn't get back on track. Maenwhile Marvin decided to go and talk to Master PP's computer which also committed suicide, making it safe for the crew to go off track for a while longer. They...

... groaned aloud at Hovos' wooden humour and the extreme length of his.... oops!! I meant his verbosity and therefore they all.....

decided it was time to crash. And so they did. "Zzzzzz", "Zzzzzzz snork phwart", these were the gentle sounds arising from the good ship Very Little Gravitas.

Until ...

the ship sank, leaving no survivors.

A small fish name Flimo started to chew on the remains of one of the crew.

but it turned out to be Ol Mr Zwinnger and Flimo spat out the pieces in disgust....

Oh Bugger just when I got me new axe too!

The untimely death of the entire crew seemed a little unfortunate for those involved but actually, things turned better for our intrepid crew for they we resurected in a parallel universe where the sky was green and the sea a lovely shade of purple. The hole in the ship was repaired. Even BraceGrunt was there as was ...

... Percy the Purser.

Perce (aka Cyrano) of the prehensile nose had slipped sideways into the parallel universe not long after the episode of the ...

... exploding cat. Oh, they laughed for hours about that one. Percy was just miming the look on the cat's face just moments before the blast when he noticed a strange, shimmering light moving towards them through the green sky. "Oh no," he cried, "I think when I slipped sideways into this parallel universe, my enormous nose has caught on the fabric of time & space. It's caused a ...

great big rip in the fabric of the universe. Percy was ****** off that they used rayon for the universe fabric instead of kevlar or even heavy guage canvas. His nose continually was causing these rips. Percy did, however keep a needle and thread in backpack for such emergencies.

As Percy started to sew up the rip in the fabric of universe a big ...

... bang occurred.

At first, Percy thought it was a Big Bang and he put away his sewing kit in the mistaken belief that the repair to the fabric of the universe would be rendered unnecessary by the creation of a whole new one (universe, that is, not a new tear ...). However, he was disappointed to discover that ...

.......The new universe was composed entirely of wood........

and a large colony of very hungry termites that were upsized at maccas just for the occassion and to make matters worse.............

... they were accompanied by a bloke in a Batman suit, who had a plastic foam coffee cup. Behind his Batman mask he wore a puzzled expression. He said:-

"Where ...

...did all this bloody wood come frum? It's enought oo make a woody wet with.....

... wainwater. However, I'm a Batman impersonator, not a woody at all. What I meant to ask was: Where's Wobin?"

And hearing this, Roger (who, I'm sure you will remember, is a cabin boy with a serious name disadvantage), piped up:

"Wherever he is," he piped, "Can I buy his name? Wobin, I beg your pardon, Robin the Cabin Boy sounds so much better than Roger the Cabin Boy! Oh NOOOOO!"

This last because - as he uttered his own name and profession - he espied a lustful Seaman Staines bolting through the rip in the fabric of the new universe, on pleasure bent! But! Staines caught his anticipatory...

..breath and rushed backwards and a huge yellow canary about 3 metres tall came through the rip after him...

... accompanied by a pig in a spacesuit.

"Hell's Breath!" said Staines. "Muppets! How the **** did they get into this story? I thought we were on the good ship Very Little Gravitas not the Starship Swinetrek! Is there no storyline deviation that the idiots who write this won't deploy?"

With that he ...

he huffed and he puffed and he blew the pig away. Shortly after that he huffed and he puffed and he blew the giant yellow canary away too.

Only partly satiated he glanced around hoping to espy a certain cabin boy who had dragged him back into this particular universe. Yes, Roger the cabin boy ... OH Oh, he heard that, the characters in this story have somehow managed to ..

undergone gender transition operations, but Woger, being of sound mind and bored out body, decided enough was enough. Dragging his childhood imaginary friend Mr SnuffleupaGlass into the story was out of the question. He began frantically searching for a.....

... a more contemporary imaginary friend (with, incidentally, a more user-friendly name - Mr SnuffleupaGlass?). He did a Google, using the key search words "imaginary+friend" and a world was revealed to him that made all the previous plot line deviations and parallel universes seem, by comparison, relatively sane.

So he ...