said, stop humping my leg you 'orrible little scrote
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said, stop humping my leg you 'orrible little scrote
and Fluke orf.............
Frontbottom was appalled.
"I'm appalled!" he said. "I say, sir! I am absolutely appalled! I think ...."
What he thought did not emerge. Varth Daver pointed a gauntleted finger in his direction. A strange expression crossed Frontbottom's Royal Marine features. His knees buckled and he grasped his personal parts. Varth Daver had obviously put the Dark Side version of the ol' Vulcan death grip on Frontbottom's knackers.
Things didn't look real good.
The majority of those present were very apprehensive.
"We're very apprehensive," they muttered amongst themselves.
However Halfrit Sponcracker who, I will remind you, Dear Reader, was the chief droid techo of Nemo Corporation, was not even slightly put out. He reached into his capacious pocket and produced a remote control device.
"Ah yes," he murmured. "this'll do the trick."
He pointed the remote control at Varth Daver and pressed a button. Varth's heavy breathing became suddenly very shallow and then appeared to stop altogether. He staggered backwards (Groans was having a hard time retaining his grip on Varth's leg).
Sponcracker said: "As you can see, I have the capacity to remotely control most robotic functions, including your bionic breathing gear. If you persist in making life difficult for my friends on this vessel, I'll make life bloody nearly impossible for you. So release whatever weird power you have over poor old Frontbottom's wedding tackle. Oh, and you might try being polite to your poor benighted offspring, too."
There was a burst of spontaneous applause from the onlookers.
With that ...
Varth Daver resorted to his best kept secret, for not only could he talk through his aXXX, sorry, rectum, but he could also talk through it, which made him eligible to become a WW forum member.
He took a deep rasping breath in, followed by a noisy expulsion of breath, and, lo and behold, he had halitosis (sp).
The decks immediately cleared as a result of this foul odour, Varth Daver was feeling well pleased with himself and declared.........
"I'm really pleased with myself".
Fluke Groans meanwhile still held tightly to the Dark one's leg and was depairing of his pater paying him any attention at all, when he heard an ethereal voice intone:
"The Farce Fluke, use the Farce"
"Of course" thought Groans so he ....
held his phallic rod up high and shouted 'May the Farce be with you', MF saw the phallic rod and ignoring the statement due to her lust for phallic intruments, climbed aboard the erotic intrument profered.
Oooooohhh she screamed, this is better than...........................
... whipped out of his back pocket a DVD copy of "Fawlty Towers" and inserted it into what appeared to be a slot in his father's boot. However, ...
instead of it being a copy of Fawlty Towers, it turned out to be a compendium of old Benny Hill episodes.
This had the rather alarming effect of making Varth suddenly begin to chase the Mother Farcquar around the deck in rather manic manner, as if his and hers movements had been unnaturally speeded up.
What was even sranger was that there emenated from Varth's nether regions a musical accompaniment to this escapade that went:
Da Da Dada Dada, Da da Dada Dada (and so on).
The rest of the crew, and especially Frontbottom watched in horror struck fascination.
Roger (Vc &c) ...
said right me messmates while they are busy we will slip moorings and take this vessel to the restaurant at the end of the universe and try to........
divert the waiters attention and make off without paying.
The plan was doomed to fail for the restaurant, being in the future, knew what was about to befall them and called the intergalactic police.
The Chief Commissioner was a direct descendant of MF and the rest of the inbred crew, and upon their arrival he issued them with....................
... an indictment for failing to leave anything to their descendants in their wills.
"You were all the same, you bloody lot!" he said. "You spent our inheritances while you were still alive. So, instead of your descendants being able to live our lives in the hedonistic pursuit of pleasure, we were condemned to having to work for a living! Bastards!"
"Huh!" said Master Bates. "You call us bastards! I happen to know for a fact that I was never married to your great great great great grandmother!"
"Well, never mind all that. What are you going to do about it?" said the Chief Commissioner.
The Mother Farcquar was about to respond when, to everyone's astonishment, there was an enormous ...
fart from the poop deck and there stood captain Nemo....alright you scurvy layabouts break out the plank and while your at it tie up MF and ................
"Hang on!" came the loud cry (from Roger VC & Bar, amongst others). "The last time we saw you was on a postcard from somewhere near the South Pole. You were a penguin and you were lying down - somewhat tired and emotional or, as the Australian members of the crew would have it: p!ssed. Here's the postcard, (see below, Dear Reader). What happened?"
"Well," said Nemo. "I ..."
He was interrupted by Halfrit Sponcracker, doing something that the crew found very odd. He was bowing. Actually bending at the waist and lowering his head in the direction of Nemo.
"President Glorsprang!" said Sponcracker. "We await your ..."
"command" he replied with a stuned look "me, crickey ! why are you bowing to me , i have been a fool , i am not worthy of such respect, i have no honor, no gradatude, no loyalty, no"...
"... idea of spelling or punctuation, no respect for the laws of physics, no undertstanding of etiquette- I mean I was pi33ed in that photograph for the postcard and I believe I was just vulgar right here on the world wide web- You must all stop bowing to me and join me as I bow to Roger (VC and bar, Dc and scar etc), he is the only one who has proven himself worthy of respect around here!"
"What'd he say?" said Groans.
"Well...," began Stains, "It seems that...
the Yardbyrds are having a party with the Dave Clark 5 and Elvis is hosting it aty gracelands and said if Roger (VC Bar & Grill) is going to.............
...supply the food and grog then we'll bow to him" ..."wait wait wait" said nemo, "thats not what i mean, Roger is the only one here that still has his pride, Roger i think it's time you took charge and led these misfits outa here ...(big voice from nemo) today is the day of redemption, and we shall all forfill our destiny and do what we are meant to do, we will go to Madagascar and find the jewel of the..................
Vile, that little known creek in the back blocks of Madagascar, for it is written that he (or she) that holds the stone also has the power to be at one with the universe after he (or she) has a consumed a cup of it's nectar that has filtered through generations of old car bodies, dead sheep etc.
Armed with shovels and sieves Nemo and crew set 4th (?) in search of the jewel...................
... leaving a mixed group on the poop.
The group on the poop included Roger (VC and Bar), Frontbottom, Leading Artificer Groans (who hadn't heard much of the preceding conversation), the Master: Bates by name, several time-serving seamen who didn't want to go to Madagascar on a jewel-hunting expedition and Halfrit Sponcracker and a bunch of his droids.
Sponcracker was a bit nonplussed. To no-one's great surprise, he said:
"I'm a bit nonplussed. That bloke claiming to be Nemo didn't really convince me. I mean, sure - he looked like Nemo and his voice was the same as Nemo's but all that humble deferring to Roger VC and Bar and being apologetic about his holiday with the penguins? That didn't strike me as the kind of thing we have come to expect from Glorsprang Nemo at all. He's an arrogant @rsehole most of the time. Never heard him apologise for anything!"
Roger VC and Bar was sceptical, too.
"I'm sceptical, too," he said. "I've only known Nemo as captain of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed but I agree. Arrogant @rsehole! Nothing humble about him!"
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.
Just then ....
just then the group on the Poop noticed that there was some sort of disturbance going on forard.
"Staines" ordered Roger (VC &c) "get your lazy backside forward at once and find out what the devil is going on!"
"Your a fine one to be talking about forward backsides" thought Staines as he hurried to obey saying "Aye Aye Cap'n" in as cheerful a voice as he could muster.
"Well?" asked Roger, "'what is it?"
"Sir" returned Staines, "I can clearly see Fellatio in the forecastle!"
"Damn your eyes man" exclaimed Roger, "What the Devil do you mean?"
"Well" said Staines.....
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.
"You shut up too!"said Roger (VC and Bar, DC and car? etc)
"If you insist," said Groans as he set off to do whatever it was he thought Roger had ordered him to do. This must have been lewd as he had a smile that no-one had seen for years and there was a certain spring in his step.
"Stains," ordered Roger (VC and Bar, etc) "Get yourself and Fellatio back here and stop intruding on the privacy of our guests."
"Guests?" asked Stains, Fellatio and several other nondescript crewman at once.
"Yes, guests." said Roger, who had deduced the cause of the disturbance quicker than they.
"You see, we have been graced by the reappearance of...
Bob Carr who decided a change from politics would be .....
....a wise choice as he had many hitmen after him, one was a member of the DEADLY VIPER ASSINATION SQUAD , his name was ...............
. . . . .SEPPO JOE!
There was a horrifiying screech in the air, as if the velcro on a thousand golf shoes had been undone as one.
The insect blinked, looked warily around, and with horror realised he'd landed in the wrong thread.
"So this is the rip" he thought, realizing that though he'd manage to avoid it for half of a thousand posts, all could well now be lost.
Suddenly, all six of his shoulders slumped, with the realisation there may be no turning back....
... and since his debut consisted of summoning up the demon of the woodworking web, he was going to have to think pretty quickly on all six of his feet (do insects have feet?) to top it in future contributions.
Seppo Joe's ugly, slathering mouth, which was always slightly ajar, slowly opened further and a whining, wheedling noise emanated from within. Instantly everyone's hands went to their ears as ...
the unmistakable lyrics of Khe sanh began to eminate from that vile orifice, in a voice that sounded horribly like that of the great Kamahl . . . .
.............Kumandarenisertotin the 3rd, he was a wise man of the goboshrururu tribe that lived somewhere in the jungles of south america, who for many years had practiced the ancient martial arts of yang mian system . including the lightening system , steel body training, steel hand training, and drunkin boxing...............
and also had a masters in chemistry so he quickly mixed up a potent insect killing spray but before he could use it there was a horrible squishing sound and all and sundry plus the characters of this story saw seppo joe squashed flat with MF sitting on his.........
... tenderloin.
There was only one possible cure (following the removal of the Mother Farcquar - no small matter in itself, of course).
The cure was, of necessity, something that could only enhance the poor bugger's parts. What was required was an application - and that right swift - of the universal tackle-enhancement unguent. YES!!!! That famous preparation (all together now!):-
MAX FACTOR KNACKER LACQUER!
ADDS A (but, Dear Reader, you know the rest .....)
Meanwhile, Frontbottom, who had been watching these shenanigans unfold, turned to Halfrit Sponcracker and said:
"I say, Spooncracker, are you and your peculiar automatons in anyway responsible for this carry on?"
Sponcracker of course replied, "Listen you pommy halfwit, how many times do I have to tell you, it's Sponcracker thats S-P-O-N-C-R-A-C-K-E-R".
"And to answer your question, it just so happens that what you've just had the misfortune to witness is actually a piece of what we on the other side of the rip call 'Street Theatre'".
"What's it about then?" queried Frontbottom.
"Well" said Sponcracker .......
"nobody really knows what it is about"
except that it is now outlawed on the streets of every civilized city in the known world, well in Sydney anyway. This is to protect the denizens of that fair city from the possible atrocities involved. (ironic considering every other possible nastiness known to insect and simian kind is legal there).
However, to his credit sponcracker said "...
Of course it will never be outlawed in Melbourne".
because they package it in brown paper bags and mail it back to customers in NSW
to make a huge profit so they can travel to Queensland to get away from the crazy weather
Frontbottom had no idea what they were talking about, of course, because he was a pom.
"I say," he said. "What are they talking about?"
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.
Sponcracker lost his patience at this point.
"I've lost my patience!" he said. "Now we've got two of them! Where will it all end?"
As the words were leaving his lips, there was an awful tearing, ripping, rending sort of noise.....
Yes, of course it was the rip opening once again.
The crew, that is to say, Roger, Staines, Groans, Frontbottom and Sponcracker suddenly found themselves transported, sans ship, onto a rapidly moving train, which seemed to be travelling through the frozen tundra of Siberia.
"I say" said Frontbottom "now where are we?"
An old spinster type lady looked up from rummaging in her carpet bag and said...
Al's cabin is the second on the left...........
so brick it up and.................
The group hadn't gone far down the corridor, with a distinct bricklaying gleam in their collective eyes (where the hell is the Collective, anyway? Haven't heard from those knicker-wearing dancing weirdoes for a while).
Suddenly an axe fell and the crew found themselves off the Trans-Siberian Express and back aboard the Very Little Gravitas Indeed. They left no sign of their presence aboard the train except for a lingering argument about pronunciation .....