... A clearly tired and emotional Mr Zhwinnger staggered on to the bridge wearing his underpants on his head and proceeded to slur his way through all thirty seven verses of "The Good Ship Venus" .
Cap'n Beaut was horrified to see ...
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... A clearly tired and emotional Mr Zhwinnger staggered on to the bridge wearing his underpants on his head and proceeded to slur his way through all thirty seven verses of "The Good Ship Venus" .
Cap'n Beaut was horrified to see ...
Worknot following him without underpants or anyhting else for that matter, except a smile. "Damn! thought Cap'n, they are not his underapnts at all, they are mine" He could tell by the skid marks. These were not rare but thgis lot he knew came about when......
.. ever he had to warp his way clear of the giant's deletory axe and found himself coming out of hyperspace right in the middle of a shower of men. Poor chap had only just escaped one cess pit and now he...Grrrr came the warning from above and he stopped that line of thought because the author (who because of a nasty bout of the flu was on the wagon) was strangely sober at this time of night and this time knew to leave well enough alone. But still they were his underpants, which made him wonder "If those are mine, then whose are being worn by Seman Staines?"
Just then little Sam woke from his dream... phew he said as grandmama placed the wet flannel onto his sweaty forehead.
That was some jolly rotten dream, I was dreaming of some faraway place and time. I think it might be in the future, for there were flying machines and such...........Grandmama laughed so much, well as much as a well to do woman as she, might.
She remembered the dream she had as a little girl, all the streets were flooded with electric lights, no more gas lamps, oooh what a dream.
Grandmama smiled, sleep tight little Sam.
So with that................
Stainesy replied" There Roger's, and I'm wearing them since they're all we have left to remind us of him since he was washed overboard in that nasty shower of men, sob."
Captain Beaut was mortified and exclaimed "Poor Roger, worse still, poor us, what'll we do without a cabin boy?"
So with tears in their eyes our heroes sailed off into the sunset, looking for...
another cabin boy. When we find one we shall call him Ben Dover or Phil Mc cavity or........ They dreamt on whisle travelling through eternal space, then.........
a sudden gust of wind struck the ship broadside on causing the deck to heel over violently. Ol Mr Swinnger slid from one side of the deck to the other without even spilling a drop. Seamen Staines in the crows nest nearly renamed himself for another type of Stain.
On recovering himself from an embarassing position with Mr Hechnida Captain Beaut roared (as he was apt to do) "Thats it, no more Guiness and Beans for Mr BraceGrunt, effective immediatley". Pondering what else he might feed the first officer Werknot went below to gather some more underpants for which to strain the beans he had prepared earlier.
It was at this time the Giant, decidedly bored with the passage:D played a horrible trick on the crew. Whenever anybody went to speak everything came out Fracterbunt. "Sholy Hit" said Mr BunCraig we've ceen bursed by the Gevil Eiant and his aletion Dax. What the Hriggin Fell are we gonna do now.....
I'm nuffed if I stow said the....
befuddled Wilencee, who actually got his name from an unfortunate misunderstanding between Seamen Staines who was shouting "Violent Seas" and Ol Mr Zwinnger who was a bit under the weather at the time, bit I digress.., was looking around because in all the excitement nobody had actually been steering the Very Little Gravitas Indeed. Wilencee pointed to the land ahead.
"Croly Happers" said the Captain, "its the coast of the sevil Eiren Mylie Kinogue" "quick members, lash me to the main mast so I might hear the ticked wemptresses alluring song, then tuff your sears with hitshot wax so you are not doomed".
The crew rushed about and stuffed their ears with wax and....
rubbed their exposed bits with Shellwax cream and grinning lavisciously at Capt Ubeaut's evergrowing predicament:eek:
immediately sat down to a scrumptious 4 course meal of left over deserts provided by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Retired Harlots and Haridans, (duly affiliated with the Council of Trades Union). The table was headed by Charlotte, who at the venerable age of 101 years, still ate someones meat at every available opportunity and was at this moment helping herself to the cabin ..
...boys salami, she was a glutton for sausage and ....
... the sight of a wiener drove her to fits of ecstasy. Sauerkraut, she could take or leave. Meanwhile, Mylie... err Kylie was ...
was torturing the crew with her...
..warbling. The twentyseven backing dancers all prancing around in skin tight lycra didn't help either.
"Shpare me daysh" slurred Mr Zwinnger. "it'll be a miracle if we get out alive".
Suddenly ...
BraceGrunt, who had not been following Captain Beauts orders about the Guiness and Beans let another rip......
this did not make a lot of noise but man did it make their eyes water.......
...and create a dangerous gaseous situation. The cabin boy reached into his pocket and took out his hanky to block the effect. Unfortunately he also pulled out his cigar igniter which fell to the floor in a most unfortunate manner creating a spark which...
( I thought the cabin boy went overboard???)
which blew the gusset out of his baggy pants. In addition he also sustained severe flash burns to his nether regions which made........
a singed silouette on the doorway...
.. in the shape of ...
... the traditional Tudor Rose, of course ...
..the petals were a bit wilted, what with the blast and all. The Captain said " I can fix this wilt, all it needs is a bit of moisture". With this he hauled out his monstrous...
moisturiser and after a few hand pumps proceeded to spray.....
...the singed silouette. Which was a pretty useles thing to do 'cause no amount of moisturising was going to bring Bracegrunt back to life.
This bizarre behaviour of the Cap'n started to make the rest of the crew members very uncomfortable and before long rumblings of mutiny were heard amongst the crew.
It was Willlencee who said ....
"the Cap'n has lost his marbels and we must now....."
play tiddley winks and ...
..choose a new Cap'n. However, they realised that the only person who knew how to actaully play tiddly winks was Mr Barcegrunt and he was a smoldering sillouette.
So they settled for shove ha'penny instead.
"Rright" said mr Zwinnger "you're up first Staines" .
Seaman ....
Staines misunderstood because he thought " No one is getting up me, I do the up getting around here" and with that he......
.....ducked when the delete axe headed his way.
"Gosh, that was close" he said. I must be more careful in the future or........
...or I might end up like poor Roger, who for those of you who don't know was washed overboard when the Gevil Iant sent a rain of men down on the luckless crew. The cabin boy referred to in a recent post was the understudy. Most of us thought that Roger drowned and that would have been preferrable to the horrible predicament he found himself in.
Roger was drowning, when he was plucked from the water by a floatilla of men dressed as nuns on their way to Sydney (where such sights are popular). The affection they bestowed upon Roger was enough to make the Evil Delete button Giant take pity on Roger, the Giant was looking back through his used signatures and noticed one that said something about doing a good turn, so he took this opportunity and did a good turn for Roger.
What it entailed was giving him an apprenticeship in the noble profession of woodturning. Roger was no longera cabin boy, he was an apprentice, with his own coffee mug hanging on the peg above the sink near the lathe. The cup proudly bore the message
Roger the Apprentice
... which didn't really help.
The Giant was, of course, well-intentioned (slurping noises) but he had not, in his haste to resolve Roger's predicament, grasped the ineluctable fact that it was not Roger's profession that caused his problem but his name. Making him an apprentice gave poor ol' Roger a fleeting and transitory feeling of security but this was sadly and disastrously dashed when the Sydney-bound flotilla of cross-dressing nuns heard one of their number read the legend on Roger's cup:
"Roger the Apprentice!" he said, whereupon there was a mad scramble to ...
check out his indentures:eek:
and other qualifications ( nudge nudge wink wink )
Suddenly the ghost of BraceGrunt past appeared. He cursed the crew for losing faith in their battlescared Captain Beaut. He who had saved them from the Gevil iant and thrust them forth from the clutches of the Klingons, anyway he'd decided to send them a new Captain, and in a cruel twist of fate it was to be woman called....
SUSAN
Whosan?
I thought maybe EDNA?
Ah yes Edna ( who in a strange interdimensional twist of fate ) was distantly related to Susan. She was a rather large woman:eek: with a somewhat mannish appearance and prone to referring to all and sundry as Possum.