So what's all this about, then?

Fortunately for Hovo, he was somehow precipitated into an entirely different time/space/warp/dimensionless/story improbable future where after an indeterminate amount of time (which refused to actually exist where he was presently not living but something else entirely) has not exactly passed but gone anyway, he metamorphosed like a beautiful butterfly into the godhood (that awaits all those who are worthy) at the end of the universe. :D Better? :D :D

Meanwhile, Roger and Semen having finished their rogering had wandered outside to have a look at Susan who was still struggling with the bloomers that were now even more wrapped around her head. The frantic struggles that Susan had been going through had loosened her clothing to such a degree that when Roger bent over he could clearly see ..

That Norm had dissapeared from the story. Also, it was rather strange that nobody had commented on the fact that Susan had risen from the dead, having been shot by a private Dick from the milkboard some pages back.

Staines meanwhile...

decided to take a course in 'Pig Rogering for Beginners'. Staines discovered his true calling and decided to ...

become a priest...

so he could practise his shirt lifting

... outside Bunnings. This provided a diversion for the queue at the sausage sizzle. While their attention was diverted, the remainder of the Hole in the Drawers Gang continued to advance purposefully upon the display of ...

...wooden..




(THe Hole in The Drawers Gang :D , I was going to give you a greenie for that but the board wouldn't let me :D )

shoes....

In fact they were cloggs. Bunnies was having a Dutch themed sale, so there were windmills, dykes and all manner of Netherlands cliches all over the store.

This led Roger to turn to Norm and say...

"Have you ever stuck your finger in a dyke?". Norm replied "Yes, and then she punched me in the mouth."

Having done their worst with the Dutch joke opportunity, the Gang raced into Bunnies, raided the clog display and clattered slowly off up the road. They attracted the sort of attention any group wearing capacious bloomers on their heads and really noisy footwear would attract.

A passerby turned to his life's companion and said:-

"Look, there's ...

a bunch of Dyke...builders and Norm overhearing said immediatley "we Yankees don't callem Dykes we call em.....

... levees."

The passerby thought he said "Levis" and became very confused. However, nothing daunted, Norm started to introduce the rest of the Gang. He only got as far as "Roger the Cabin Boy" when Staines did exactly that.

Roger said: "Jeez, just once it would be nice for someone to mention my name without it leading to the kind of situation that causes the average citizen to ...

throw a bucket of water over me and then call the cops. Quite frankly, I'm bloody sick of it Stainesy".

This litlle outburst caused Seaman to utter ....

crap! What's next?

obviously
what's next is a gift voucher to Bunnings who never seem to have the catalogue item you want in stock. True! I only wanted the stanley chisel grinding jig for $34.95. tHEY DIDN'T HAVE ONE , BUT HAD A SUPERCRAFT ONE FOR $23.95, tIMBECON HAVE THE SAME THING (UN BRANDED) FOR $11.35.
Love bunnings, didn't buy anything.
Come on Doorstop, let me have it, they helped your dad, big deal!

When he awoke from his nightmare hed thought, "I must stop smoking crack......"

..followed immediately by "Hold on, I'm not smoking crack, my crack is smoking"

Looking down he was able to assure himself that the crack in his ..

was indeed smoking and he reminded himself that he need to buy more vaseline.

It was then that Staines shouted "Liar Liar, Cracks on Fire" and proceeded to ...

... perform a clog ...

clogatonomy, which is a rare and delicate procedure, pioneered by the great Furgle himself and now famous for extinguishing the great burn of the back passage, although this was not what Furgle had originally intended, but...

I am considering deleting this thread if it gets too far off base. It is getting close!!:eek:

Fee Fei Foo Fum, said the half asleep giant that all the stupid charaters in the story had disturbed from his slumber.

The characters had made such a ruckass that the giant had woken with a bad head ache.
It wasnt the actual noise the giant objected too, it was all the silly confused giggleing girly chatter that got up his nose.
God, give me strenth uttered the giant, then he asked himself, wheres me delete axe?
Bloody hell, he couldnt find it, it was so rarely used that he forgot where he had left it.

Now he remembered, he took it to Mernda for show and tell around the camp fire, and left it proped against a large stump.
Ill give Oz a ring and see if he has it, I hope the bugger hasnt sold it on me?
So the giant..........................

Al :D

lumbered off to find some other poor unsuspecting englishment to prosecute. It was at this time Captian Beaut shouted aaaaarrrGGGhh me hard done by Bulletin Board Menbers, its a time we sailed this fine old lady out of this quagmire. "Hoist the Jolly Roger" at the word Roger everone looked at the Cabin Boy but I digress.... Seamen Staines shot off up to the Crows Nest to keep a sharp eye out for the giant and his deletion axe while the rest of the shabby godforsaken crew.....
set about the business of sailing out of the back passage to fairer seas. "Mr HeavHo" roared Captain Beaut "yourself and Mr Stillson be about weighing anchors smartly if you like". HeavHo grinned and shot off to find some scales. Stillson was still trying to work out what he could be smartly at.

"Mr BraceGrunt" roared Capt Beaut "Aye Sir" recoiled BraceGrunt awakening from his hammock two decks below and banging his head on some mahogany cant frames, such was the bellow of the Captain. "Plot me a course out of this worm infested cess pit". The crew groaned for it was BraceGrunts appointed duties of navigating officer.

Meanwhile in the galley....

the cook was washing his shoes in tonights ...

Shellalarki, an ancient mariners broth like soup, prepared by the cook Werknot who wasn't actually a qualified chef but was a Fitter & Turner which was ironic because most of the crew considered he fitted good food into a pot and turned it into sh "GGrrrrrr" the Giant's voice could be heard overhead.....something else.

"Eat up you mangey mongrels" shouted Werknot "or you'll get scurvy and end up looking like Ol Mr winnger". The crew sighed and checked their broth for clogs.

Back on deck Captain Beaut was....

shouting orders to Mr BraceGrunt, "Make it so, Number One" and with that Mr BraceGrunt pressed the warp drive button and ...

screaming .... to about his last comment "I am considering deleting this thread if it gets too far off base. It is getting close!!"

Hey if you delete the thread it can I have the copyright.
I'll make a million if I repackage it as kids TV show and syndicate it...

the ship shot forward and hit the giant right in the ...........

right in the walnuts..stowage. Back in the galley the shift to warp drive had sent everything flying. "One of these days" muttered Werknot "I'm gunna go up that Bridge and shove the Captains sextant right up his telescope.

"Report Mr BraceGrunt" demanded Captain Beaut. "Well Captain we seem to have warped into uncharted territory" replied BraceGrunt who actually got his name from an unfortunate incident while drilling holes in the ships hull.

At that moment the ship's dog wandered onto the bridge much to the amazement of Captain Beaut. "Mr BraceGrunt is it not traditional that any fine vessel should bequeath a cat" inquired the Captain "Aaahh yes sssir" stammered the agitated No 1. "So why is it we have this" stated the Captain pointing at the canine. "Well sir this Deefa the Ship's Dog" said BraceGrunt. The Captain at this point was becoming somewhat irrated. "Deefa" he roared, "Aye Captain Dee Fa Dog" trembled BraceGrunt "GGggrrrrr" rumbled overhead as it seems really old bad jokes were in danger of bringing down the deletion Axe.

The Captain sighed and resigned himself to the fact, much to the relief of the crew. However he again questioned the No 1. "Why is it we have a dog instead of a cat" he asked. "Well its like this Sir" interjected Mr HeavHo, "you see most of the crew seem to think, without malice or predjudice, that cats are an unecoligally sound animal for this environment". Really replied the Captain losing interest. "And Captain" said Mr Stillson, the cat was bad for Crewman Jemi's pet rat. "Crewman Jemi has a pet rat" asked the now confused captain. "Yes Sir, she keeps it under the oregon planking". "Well tell her to get rid of it" said the Captain. "I don't think thats a very good idea captain" said HeavHo, "and why not?" asked Captain Beaut, "Well Sir" said a now nervous HeavHo its just that... well, she canna take anymore Captain!

Meanwhile Mr BraceGrunt" had decided to do a muster. It seems the Cabin Boy had gone overboard never to be heard of again. Everybody new Seamen Staines would be dissappointed. BraceGrunt noted that Mr Hechnida and Mr Wilencee were missing from the muster and he told the Bosun to check the beer store and when he found them to give them a good.....

tongue lashing and a good flogging with the cat'o nine tails ( should this be a dog tail?)and after that you can keelhaul them followed by a good dose of the golden rivet, and then....

you can throw them to the Giant. But the Bosun and his scaly crew couldn't find Wilencee and Hechnida, which was a good thing considering.

It was later discovered that Wilencee and Hechnida were below decks running an illegal poker game with Mr Squeezzy and several other crew members.
Just then the ship dropped out of HyperSpace and Mr Buncraig shouted "look out there, on the Starboard bow"......

... "What," shouted the Captain, whose patience was wearing thin, "I can't see a bloody thing."
"Wrong side, Cap'n, with all due respect, the OTHER Starboard."
"When I find out who stole my bit of paper..." the Captain muttered under his breath.
"There's Klingons on the Starboard bow, Cap'n .." cried Mr Squeezy, who had just come on deck after losing all but his pants, "and don't look now but they're ...

'mooning you sir"

Captain Beaut's blood was on the boil. These Klingons were solely responsible for the widespread popularity of MDF and treated pine. Worse still they were the reason a crew member could never find 2000 grit sandpaper or 0000 steel wool at the hardware anymore.

"Red Alert" shouted the captain desparately searching the deck for some sober crew members to man the guns. "Mr BraceGrunt, bring us around on his Port quarter" barked Captain Beaut. BraceGrunt began to wonder how everybody knew about his secret port stash.

Just then....

Captain Beaut realised that the Klingons were not mooning, they were trying to communicate because their communications equipment was stuffed and that he now needed some one who could lip read. Who on board can lip read he mused. Who is an expert in this field.......

...why none other than Lieutenant Hornblower.

"No 1", ordered captain Beaut "my compliments to Mr Hornblower and tell him he's wanted on the poop deck'

BraceGrunt scurried off to find Hornblower.

Meanwhile, the Klingons ....

..., who were more commonly found hanging around Uranus, gave up their futile attempts to speak the ugly human dialect. A more direct approach was required.

The Klingons broke wind and into song at the same instance. "Glonby snoggle smapping, flurt glingo gggrapraper flingdolio flip ..." sang the Klingon crew which is roughly translated into "It's raining Men". This method of communication proved effective because Mr Hornblower was able to use Google to translate the song. Hornblower was a little preplexed at the meaning of the song until men came falling from the sky and ...

decided that things needed spicing up. "Captain Sir, I recommend engaging the enemy immediatley". Captain Beaut said he had no intention of becoming engaged to a Klingon but at this point, the forgotten Seamen Staines shouted out from the crows nest, "Look at the hull, look at what its made of" The crew gasped in horror as everyone could clearly see the Klingon Vessel was constructed of old Chep pallets (which everybody new was illegal) and worse still, the hull was coated in the dreaded two pack polyurethane.

Ol Mr Zwhinnger muttered something about the whole world having gone to Poly and staggered off down the galley to see if Werknot had any cooking wine left.

Back on the teak deck Captain Beaut shouted "Load the EEE Canon, bloody heathens" and which point Mr BunCraig pointed out that they couldn't go into action without a name for their fine vessel, (a grave error on behalf of an earlier poster but understandable in the rush to escape the Giant) it was absolutley bad luck. "Bring me a bottle of Champagne" roared the Captain at which point a loud "Uh-Oh hic" was heard from the galley.

"Mr Wilencee a name if you please and a fine lady to break the bottle" snapped the Captain, keeping a sharp eye on the Klingons. Wilencee was thought fast and at last said "I dub thee, the good ship......

... "Very Little Gravitas Indeed". Now we just need someone to smash this bottle of champers over the.... hang on, where's the champers?" ... "Hic... Oh 'eck....