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"You should all be sent to jail for life and the key thrown away for talking complete crap and allowing very long self gratifying posts to be made in this thread!" screamed SBSP who had completely lost the plot.
"Bailiff, arrest that french twat and throw him down a well!" yelled SBSP.
The bailiff did as he was asked and a faint splash was heard as crabtree hit the bottom of the well.
The other judges unexpectedly applauded their colleague and called for the case against Staines to begin...
and meanwhile two new members were shanghied named Driver and Hovo which gave much delight to the other crew members because.................
...they were among the few remaining original authors (not characters dear readers, although they do have stage names that any who have been following from the start will be aware) who actually cared that crabtree had been thrown into a well to drown by a yellow latex wearing judge-there's a whole thread beckoning there.
Anyway, the case against Staines was not looking good for the prosecution as Staines, due to recent developments was looking rather faded and there was ipso facto no prima facie evidence against him (and any other legal jargon you can think of but not understand.)
So..
Suddenly awakening from a rather lurid daydream involving a latex cartoon character, the lead judge was wondering quite what his chambers assistant had put in his tea this morning.
Gathering his thoughts, he turned to look at his two fellow judges, more to re-assure himself that they weren't cartoon characters than any other reason.
Satisfied, he turned to the prosecutor and said.
"Please excuse me, could you repeat what you just said?"
"Silly old duffer" muttered Honeybuttocks under her breath.
"What was that?" barked the judge "speak up if you please"
"I said M'lud" continued Honeybuttocks ....
...M'lud it seems that we have no jurisdiction in this matter, else it would set a precedent for us to have to deal with creatures in their own parrallel universes, going about their business, apparently unaware that what to them is perfectly acceptable and legal is to us both abhorrent and illegal.
The judge was confused and annoyed by the tone in her voice, but he did notice that she had this strange effect on the fit of his square pants.
"I'm confused" he said, "please explain"
"M'lud it's simple, we cannot afford the legal costs involved in venturing outside our own dimension. Dismiss the case."
The judge, for all his gruff exterior, was happily married to Honeybuttocks(as was the custom in their particular dimension, and quite legal) and knew that She must always be obeyed, especially if he wanted to play dress ups that night and he had a strange hankering to wear latex that night.
"Case dismissed, Nemo or whoever you are, you are free to leave, but do not step flipper in my side of the rip again or, or, or.....
... Aurora Australis, M'Lud?" said Roger (QC & jar).
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans, as they all passed back through the Rip.
They arrived on the poop deck just in time to hear a very ominous noise. It was the sort of ominous noise that accompanies a sh ....
..she devil known as the Mother Farquar discovering that the clogdancers have once more stolen her new, lace split crotch knickers.
Everyone, including Roger(VC and Bar) cringed as she...
... clumped sternwards.
They cringed but were undoubtedly relieved. Even Staines, not, as readers will be well aware, the most sensitive mariner aboard the Very Little Gravitas Indeed, was moved to say:
"Fank Gawd for that! Normal service 'as been resumed. Even Her Bloody Ladyship is back to normal."
The Mother Farcquar twassocked him briefly about the ears as she headed towards the Hole In The Drawers Collective, who were huddled abaft the binnacle, quivering to their clogstraps (do clogs have straps?).
Roger (Vc and Bar) gathered himself together and ...
adjusting his codpiece ....
... strode manfully into the path of the Mother Farcquar. Holding up his right arm in a "hold it right there"- type gesture, he said:-
"Madam, before you commence any sort of physical assault on these apprehensive terpsichoreans, I must inform you, in my capacity as commander of this vessel..."
He got no further. One imperious sweep of her enormous forearm propelled Roger (VC and Bar) clear across the poop deck.
"Bugger off, sonny!" said the gargantuan harridan (who, incidentally, was still attired repulsively in Flash Dordogne's lycra jumpsuit. "They've nicked me knickers, pinched me pantaloons and half-inched me (h)undies. They will ..."
be returned to Michael Praetoreous as he will find a use for the glog wearing terpsichorians in his piece.
Poof......................
the magic dragon may as well make a cameo here, seeing as how anyone from any time (or space) seems to end up in this tale (or tail, depending on your sexual preference).
So Reg Gasnier, still clad in his football boots from his grandfinal win in nineteen seventy something stood blinking in stupified wonderment (because his pantaloons had also been nicked) when...
... all of a sudden the tingling of some familar music resounded everywhere...
then a Mr Whippy van came into sight....
and what a sight it was.
Everyone thinks that Mr Whippy was named thus because he sells soft server ice cream but it was because of his propensity to ...
Been here for 7mths and this is the 1st time I've read and joined in this epic adventure, so here goes!
... do the whippy dance over public toilet bowls, but alas his knee's are all but worn out from all this whippy dancing much to the astonishment of Mother Farcquar who said...
Farq, what are you lot doing.
Realising her mistake, it was too late for the Late Graham Kennedy legal team emerged from the Mr Whippy van and issued her with a writ (with crushed nuts), Mother Farcquar responded.................
I want a double header
..heavy on the chocolate sauce and nuts...
There was a sudden loud tearing noise. It was the Rip, of course.
Halfway across the main deck a leg appeared, closely followed by the rest of a nerdy looking bloke in a white coat with a pocket full of small spanners and screwdrivers. Yes! It was Halfrit Sponcracker, chief techo of the Nemo Corporation. He was followed by a bunch of familiar looking droids.
Sponcracker spotted Roger (VC and Bar) lying in the scuppers, apparently winded from his unseemly encounter with the Mother F's forearm. He leaned over the former cabin boy:
"Decided I prefer it on this side of the Rip. Anyway, got to find my old boss, Glorsprang Nemo. By the way, why are you lying, apparently winded, in the scuppers?"
Roger remembered the ease with which the droids had previously handled the Mother Farcquar.
"Do me a favour, will you? Get your droids to toss that big fat Mother Farcquar over the taffrail. Then I'll help you find your penguin."
"Consider it done," said Sponcracker. Pointing at the lead droid, he said: "Heave that fat Mother Farcquar over the taffrail, there's a good droid"
There followed a scuffle, a couple of unseemly yelps, a great deal of lycra-clad wobbling flesh, a couple of boinging and spronging noises as bits of droid were detached from their owners, a pause and a very loud splash.
"Thank you," said Roger, as Sponcracker organised the reassembly of two or three of his robots. "That's hopefully the last we'll see of that fat Mother Farcquar."
(Dear Reader, we know he's dreaming but let's allow the poor sap a few moments of triumph :rolleyes: ).
Just then ...
...the Mr Whippy Van came round the corner again and...
This was very curious because clearly ships don't have corners. Well, at least not any that a Mr Whippy van can come around anyway.
Obviously there was a misprint in Sally's book and instead of it being the Mr Whippy van, it should have read that it was the Mr Whippy Man.
Now Mr Whippy man was a truely terrifying sight, clad as he was on Oxford St bondage gear and brandishing a rather large stock whip.
He advanced on Roger (VC &C) and said ....
like a cone thweetie?
Ye Gods, he looked familiar, it was Mother Farcqars anorexic brother Thethil.
Roger (VC,Bar and numerous other accoutrements) paled in horror as he realised that Mother Farcqar was going to be missed (or mithed) by Thethil.
'Weerth my darling cutie little sister?' he crooned.
Roger was unable to reply for he saw what was emerging back over the taffrail, it was..........................
a none too happy MF (not MFKL) who seemed to have run foul of a Japanese Whaling ship and was sporting several harpoons as a trophy.She was about to rip a new @#$ehole for Roger when she spied her brother.
Her joy was a sight to behold as she...
...plucked out a harpoon and playfully batted her brother across the head with it.
Thethil promptly shot across the poop deck and crashed into several members of the Hole In The Drawers Collective. These unfortunates had (collectively) stepped out from behind the binnacle when they received the good news about the MF's plunge into the briny.
They had also (collectively) donned the purloined pair of the Mother Farcquar's enormous cami-knickers preparatory to performing a jubilant and joyful jig.
Thethil's crashing into them forced a swift reappraisal of their plans. They (collectively) peeped out of the cami-knickers through a strategically positioned orifice, just in time to see something utterly dreadful. Yes! It was herself, bearing down upon them, a murderous glint in her ...
admonished Hovo for referring to her as MF...............
'Cecil' she shrieked, 'how I have missed you'.
Thethil wath horrified (c'mon Driver, better than Fronch) and replied 'Thith, long time no thee'
They immediately embraced in what proved to be a fatal act of sibling affection for Thethil, his poor limp lifeless body dangling in the bosom of MF.
'IAIN'she screamed, 'you'll be in as much poo as Hovo if this MF keeps up'and with that she...............
... spun around to the sound of thundering hooves. Everything was instantly overrun with maurauding hamsters. In a body they picked MF and Cecil up and threw them over the side. Then the hamsters threw all the loose stuff hanging around at MF and her brother until they sank in the mists.
Then another group of hamsters (the SAS branch obviously) appeared with Susan's book which also got thrown over the side.
Now we might have some peace so they all went off to the......
registry of births deaths and marriages to find out who in the hell Susan was..........
and surprisingly, it turned out that she was the great, great, great, great grandaughter of a rather surprising coupling betweeen Roger (VC &c) and ....
... Germaine Greer
Susan turned out ok but her full sister suffered from ...
... hackers, a dreadful affliction first brought to the world's attention by Aloysius Ozwinner, Emeritus Professor of Crapalogical Medicine at the University of Plenty.
Hackers had rendered the poor girl incapable of normal perambulation. She twitched nearly continuously and proceeded in a series of fits and starts. On a brief visit to the Very Little Gravitas Indeed during one of its infrequent stays in port, she had exhibited such alarmingly ostentatious symptoms of her malady that she blended right in with the rest of the crew and no-one noticed her presence.
Meanwhile, Susan had regained her book and was re-reading the last few paragraphs with an expression of absolute horror on her normally serenely composed features. She gasped:-
"My . . ."
this book is all wet ......
and so am I ...
Which was too much for the normally gay Staines, and he grabbed Susan and proceeded to...
take her for a capucinno and regale her with the disaster called his love life.
"It's Frontbotom" he said "he just ignores me. Can't he see that i'm in love?"
"Hurrumph, men, exclaimed Susan as she picked at her eclair".
You know, if I could ...
... get this eclair in my mouth in one bite, Eclair excliamed you couldnt "not in a thousand years"
"Im not your Eclair to pick at Susan" and with a stunning glare that could kill Ecliar mumbles "whats with that book anyway"
Susan grabs Staines and ...
"What the ...?"
devil has happened to this page it was ok before MF got tossed........girls do your thing on Staines please............at that the girls rose like..............
's axe at a slander fest and said to Staines " What you need sweetie is a few hours solid shopping"
And with that they got into a longboat and began the row towards the horizon, beyond which beckoned the bright lights of ...
... Proxima Centauri.
Although Proxima Centauri is 4.22 light years from Earth, it was only 3.22 light years from the current position of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed. A longish haul, admittedly, but no big deal for these chicks who had toughened their biceps from long sessions of beating up the Tarquins, Algernons et al (sorry, Al! :( ) with their hockey sticks.
Meanwhile, Staines ...