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sodomy.
The rest of the crew was surprised that sodomy was a crime and looked menecingly at Staines.
Corpral Punishment walked into the room and said "lookout, Fellatio Hornblower is on the way shouting 'Blow me down and bugger me with a pitchfork, I'm going kill those suckers'"
At that moment ...
... through the Rip In The Fabric etc ... stepped a nerdy looking bloke in a white coat with a pocket full of small spanners and screwdrivers. He strolled across to the lead robot and pressed a remote control device he had taken from his pocket. The lead robot froze.
The nerdy bloke said: "Sorry about that, bit of a cock-up! Name's Halfrit Sponcracker, by the way, chief droid techo from Nemo Corporation. Won't be a sec and we'll have this one's understandatron circuits sorted."
He opened a small panel in the back of the lead robot's head and proceeded to fiddle with the circuitry inside.
"Should do it, I think." he said, switching the robot back on.
The robot wheeled around, gripped itself by the throat and delivered a nazi salute.
"Whoops!" said Sponcracker. "Wrong loop! Bugger's doing a Strangelove. Can't have that!"
He switched the robot off, opened the panel, made an adjustment and turned it back on again.
The robot said: "Shall I deliver the message now to the Lieutenant Commander, Mr Sponcracker?"
"Think you'd better, before he gets too despondent."
"Lieutenant Commander Roger, sir," said the robot. "Please accompany us. It is my duty to inform you that you have been called to the bar and are required to defend Captain Nemo on a charge of sedentary. Sorry about the previous cock-up. My understandatron circuits were malfunctioning."
Roger looked, in quick succession, astonished, relieved, puzzled and apprehensive.
"Just a minute," he said. "Before we get too far into the mysteries of why anyone would have thought it wise to call me to the bar, I've heard Nemo's name mentioned twice now in surprisingly odd contexts. What's going on?"
"Perhaps I can explain," said Sponcracker. "The mariner you know as Captain Nemo is, in fact, Glorsprang Nemo, president of the Nemo Corporation. We're the biggest multi-galactical corporation on our side of the Rip. Sailing is Nemo's hobby. That's why he spends a bit of time aboard this ship. He has been accused of sedentary - a very serious offence where we come from - and he has asked for you to defend him. Meant we had to call you to the bar, of course."
"But he's been turned into a penguin!" said Roger.
"What! But he can't have!"
"He has and what's more, he seems to be enjoying himself. He sent us this postcard. That's him lying down on the left, apparently."
After a long pause (lasting roughly two days :rolleyes: ), Sponcracker shook himself, peered myopically at the postcard and said:-
"If that really is Glorsprang Nemo, he's lying face down which seems to me to indicate that he is, once more, committing sedentary! You'll have your work cut out putting up any kind of plausible defence if the court sees this!"
"Sedentary!" said Roger (still, it seems VC and Bar). "I was going to ask about that. Aside from the ostensible grammatical anomaly..."
"Moo I hulp?" said Crabtree.
"No!" said Roger - VC and Bar. "(For heaven's sake!). Aside, as I say, from the grammatical anomaly, how is it that sedentary is an offence where you come from. I mean, what exactly is sedentary?"
"Sshh!" said Sponcracker. "Not so loud! You'll embarrass the droids! Look - sedentary is a very serious ...
condition causing there circuits to corrode, especially the female one over there, that is Ann Droid.
Roger, VD and Scar, was appalled at this terrible pun (or should that be a poon?) and retorted............
" actually, my credentials are really VD and Scar and BSA and Sidecar"
Frankly, Sponcracker was unmoved by Roger's impassioned justification of his qualifications:-
"Frankly," he said. "I'm unmoved by your impassioned justification of your qualifications. The important thing is that you need to start working urgently on your defence of the president of our corporation on a charge of sedentary."
"But that's the problem!' said Roger (VC and Bar, VD and scar, BSA and sidecar - Blimey! If he keeps on accumulating gongs, his chest will look like Admiral of the Fleet Mountbatten's - or your average seppo private with 5 years in). "That's the problem! I don't understand what sedentary is. On our side of the Rip, it just means sitting down!"
"Oh, I see!" said the techo. "Actually, it's not a lot different for us ..."
the problem on our side of the rip is compounded by sitting down on a specially designed sitting apparatus called a chair. Which (and you may find this next bit offensive) is sometimes made of wood. On our side of the rip killing trees for their wood is a capital offense, considered as bad as killing whales for their flesh. :eek: :eek: :eek:
"Whoa" thought Roger, "somebody is in deep shyte."
However, he decided to address Spooncracker thus:
"Well sir, I can see how that would be most distressing in your culture, but how exactly do you propose to prosecute a penguin?"
Spooncracker was about to reply when suddenly a load roar issued from amidships.
Turning towards the mizzen, the only thing that the ship's company could see was; Fellatio.
Major Frontbottom raised himself to his full 175 centimetres and proclaimed ...
"Sod it! I can't see what's going on! Will someone tell these bloody droids to kneel down or get out of the way so a chap can see!"
"Don't fret," said Sponcracker. "There's not a lot happening - just someone ..."
wanting to make an impact"
This was obviously a queue for Lieutenant Fellatio Hornblower to aproach Major Algernon Frontbottom and say.. "at last, you've found me....
... upon which cue, Frontbottom went down on one knee, clasped both hands to his chest, gazed upwards at Hornblower and burst into song:-
"O! Sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you!" he warbled.
Hornblower was taken aback.
"I'm taken aback!" quoth he - to nobody's great surprise, it must be said. "And I think you must be mistaking me for some other Hornblower."
"Hornblower!?" said Frontbottom, leaping to his Royal Marine's feet. "Hornblower!? I thought someone said you were Fellatio?"
"Wot'd 'e say?" said Groans.
"Said 'e thought someone said 'e was Fellatio" said Staines.
"Don't start that again, you two!" said Roger, VC and Bar etc etc, in an admonitory tone. "Look," he said to Frontbottom. "About 18 or so years ago, did you happen to meet a lady called ..."
with my underwear around my ankles"
A worm hole opened up in crack in the deck. The entire cast and crew were sucked into the worm hole and found themselves in a room with no windows, doors or any other obvious way out.
Hornblower, with his underwear were still around his ankles, stammered "Wwhere the hell are we?"
Staines replied "Fellatio, you haven't been in the story long enough to have experienced the oddities that we are forced to endure by the completely insane author of 'The Rip in Fabric of the Universe'."
Roger chimed in with "I'm convinced the author, that bast@rd, has a weird sexual bent".
With that the author ...
left his PC and went to make a cup of tea.........
and as he left the Melmacian catlovers society got to his PC and googled for cats and asked.......................
..."Who has any recepies for roast cat, see I have this new webber bbq thing and need advice on marinades."
The replies came thick and fast. The one that made him the happiest said...
go to this link http://www.paxety.com/Archive/200503...alForPeta.html
confusion now reigned supreme, so many recipes, not enough cats...........
.... Frontbottom shook his head and, with a distinctly glazed expression, said to Roger (VC and Bar etc):-
"What? Sorry, I had the most peculiar out-of-body experience just then. If I didn't know better, I could have sworn that we all got sucked into a worm hole and wound up in a room with no windows, doors or any other obvious way out. Then I had a strange vision involving recipes for cooking cats. None of that can have happened, surely?"
"Oh yes, it all happened," said Roger (VC and ....), matter-of -factly. "If you stay on this ship long enough, you'll get used to it. Now, as I was saying, can you remember- about eighteen or so years ago - meeting a lady called ...."
"Look," said Frontbottom. "You can't expect me to indulge in nostalgic reminiscences when my corporeal being has been subjected to trans-dimensional shifts and ..."
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.
"Buggered if I know," said Staines.
"No change there, then," said Groans.
"Knock it off, you two!" said Roger VC and Bar etc ....
Roger thought to himself "I've had enough of these anal jokes."
"I've had enough of your anal jokes, you two" he said.
" We've been recently scared by the captains predicament on the other side of the rip, where, even though he is a penguin and incapable of sitting on a chair, he is facing the death penalty for sedentary!"
"We must cross through the rip to save captain Beaut."
Stains and groans turned decidedly white at this thought and...
Cptn Beaut said, "STREWTH, is this crap still going on"
Better get in touch with 2IC, and get it canned.
Al :p
"Well children," said Sally. "It seems that appalling Craporium proprietor has decided to inject himself once more into the narrative. What do you think of that?"
Tarquin leapt to his feet. "It'th a-a-a-a (dammit!) a-bsolutely dweadful!" He stammered and lisped. "How doeth thomeone tho a-a-a-a-absolutely fwightful get a mention when that poor Hornblower ith totally i-i-i-i-i-(blartht!) ignored by F-F-F-F-F-Fwontbottom!"
Theodore swatted him to the floor with a rolled up copy of the Financial Review and was immediately set upon by all the girls, who ....
...had obviously been exposed to too much gratuitous violence. If Sally had not begun reading again who knows what may have eventuated.
Sally read
"Roger (VC and...etc) was really worried about Capt Beaut's future and gave the dreaded order to prepare the ship for the jump to hyperdrive, err sorry, to cross the rip. Suddenly all on board were subjected to truely awful nausea as their corporeal beings were subjected to trans-dimensional shifts (again) and ..."
... hurtled across the space / time continuum in pursuit of a complete balls-up.
"A complete balls-up?!?" you say, Dear Reader. "How can this be?"
Well, it's like this (or - as Tarquin would say: Itth like thith). The ship has hurtled, as mentioned, across the good old S/TC in pursuit of justice for Cap'n Beaut. But Cap'n Beaut isn't in need of any justice because he's safely ensconced in the Beautery, making his excellent compounds and lotions. It's poor old Cap'n Nemo - ol' Glorsprang - who has been indicted on charges of sedentary. He's the one who is happily getting absolutely $h!t-faced with his little waddly penguin mates, completely oblivious to the fact that on the other side of the RITFOTU, the forces of Laura Norder are hell bent on doing him over, big time!
How is this appalling situation to be resolved??? Eh? Tell me that!
With that, the errant author, feeling very ashamed said
"I'm feeling very ashamed about my blunder with the identity of the cap'n.I'll just toddle off and have a little nap and hope this seemingly irreparable situation doesn't turn into a complete balls up."
And with that he went.
crap in hand to........
.... where else? The Craporium, of course. There to be feted and also fitted out with a custom-made foily. This would help prevent them alien bastards from penetrating his thought patterns and causing unexplained and deviant plot stuff-ups.
Meanwhile, aboard the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed, everything came to a sudden and entirely unexpected halt. Aside from causing all aboard to slide across the deck towards the bows, this was not as surprising as some of the events of the recent past.
Nor was it as surprising as what came next. The Rip opened and about three hundred penguins and precisely twenty-seven short nuns materialised on the poop deck.
"That's confusing," thought Roger, VC and Bar (and all the rest of it....). "I wonder which one is Nemo?"
"Hello," said Sponcracker. "I wonder if any of these penguins is Nemo."
"Looks like the annual dinner dance of a dwarves association," said Frontbottom.
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.
"We-e-ell," said Staines. "It's like this ..."
"....I don't give a **** ! I'm going to cut my own throat in approx. 3 posts time unless someone can convince me I shouldn't" claimed Staines.
And everyone on board, including about three hundred penguins and precisely twenty-seven short nuns, all burst into spontaineous laughter as they realised the enormity of the pun and the delicious irony of what Staines had just uttered.Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHammer
One of the penguins (apparently Nemo) explained the situation to Staines. "Stains" quoth he,"If you should die, you be an ex, then when we replay your last utterance,("I'm going to cut my own throat in approx. 3 posts time unless someone can convince me I shouldn't" claimed Staines.) then we could say EXclaimed Staines.
But before Nemo could bask in the glory of his wit, the sedentary police stormed onto the ship and seized him, for they'd been waiting on the other side of the rip with bated breath, for just such an opportunity.
"We've been waiting on the other side of the rip with bated breath, for just such an opportunity" spoke they. "You Nemo have given yourself away. Come with us"
Suddenly an enormously powerful and sexy voice said " Wait just one moment" For yes it was none other than...
.....Spongebob Square Pants, who handed Staines a large knife and said "Go on then do it". Staines was still confused by the ex debate which convinced him to follow through on his threat earlier than advertised so with a quick slice of the blade cut his throat and fell gurgling to the floor.
"Bloody hell I didn't think he'd actually do it" said SBSP as he poked Staines fidgeting body with his toe.
"Hold it, Hold it, hold it!" Screamed Roger (VC and bar etc)
"I've spent enough time in drycleaners to know that you can't get rid of semen Staines that easily, sure they fade with time, but they always remain, So Staines get up, stop bleeding on my deck (five coats of ubeaut traditional wax ;) ) and get back to work before I charge you with sedentary you layabout."
Now as for you rip crossers, give me back my penguin and go home, you have no jurisdiction here!"
So heads bowed the sedentary police went home and the crew all cheered Roger's bravery and wit and said no wonder he has a VC and Bar etc.
Spongebob Square Pants slapped Roger across the face and said "I love......
Lucy, it was one of the best TV shows ever.
Everyone now looked on, who in the hell was this bit of animated bath aid and who taught it to speak.
Suddenly there was the realisation that it must be some demonic outside influence for no one who has an ounce of sanity enjoyed I Love Lucy, AFL or wood turning.
Roger, VC & Bar etc et al, got a grip of himself, much to the disgust of the onlooking school girls.......................
and tossed old SBSP over the side and into the sea.
"Suck on that, latex boy" Roger thought to himself.
Turning to the aforementioned schoolgirls he said
"Now perhaps you young women would like to explain yourselves."
"How come you to be on my ship?"
"We're the Spongebob Square Pants fan club and were happy to give pleasure to all on board while SBSP was still on board" said one of the girls.
"A little young for that aren't you?" asked Roger.
"We might be dressed like school girls but we're all of legal age, but unless SBSP comes back, we're off." they replied.
"Well I'm afraid your not going to get much action here girly" said Roger
"You see Staines is a bugger, I have, ahem, 'issues' , Frontbottom only has eyes for Fellatio and Groans is past it."
Monica, (who was the grils spokeswoman) truned to her companions and said...
"Quick jump girls, we have to catch SBSP, this is a thread about a bunch of shirt lifters." and with that all the girls jumped overboard. Spongebob Square Pants was heard to say "Come on girls who's going to run up my flagpole?"
Meanwhile the "boys" were left to play with each other........
SBSP is not coming back so get them off, "get what off' they replied innocently, 'Your Trunes that have been referred to'.
What is a Trune?
Wait for the next exciting episode on a PC near you..............
(with apologies to Graig who left himself wide open for this one) :D
"Isn't a Trune played on a wind instrument by someone with a hair lip?" asked Staines.
Sally closed the book, laid it on her lap and said:
"Well! Does anyone have any comment to make on that very odd chapter?"
Tarquin, twitching, blinking and looking nervously over his shoulder at Algernon, said:
"Well I'm glad itth o- o-o-o-(blartht!) o-over! There'th no juthtithe in a thtorwy that l-l-l-l-l-l (bother!) l-leaveth poor Fwontbottom all alone and lonely wivout hith friend Fellatio!"
Sally gave Tarquin a searching and puzzled glance, opened the book and said:
"Perhaps we had better move on." She proceeded to read:-
Chapter Five
With a rending sound, the Rip opened. Roger, Staines, Groans, Frontbottom et al found themselves materialising in a courtroom. In the dock was a forlorn and anxious penguin.
In the public gallery were Halfrit Sponcracker and half a dozen droids. On the bench sat the judges (three of them) and in the main well of the court were two tables. At one of them sat the prosecution counsel. The other table was unoccupied. Sponcracker whispered to Roger:
"That's the defence counsel's place - the empty table."
Roger looked carefully at the judges and the prosecuting counsel. Some aspects of their appearance were very similar to what he would expect in a courtroom: they wore wigs and gowns, for example. However, some aspects were very odd.
The wigs were not the grey perukes worn by most of the legal eagles Roger had previously seen. The central of the three judges had on his head a creation that would not have looked out of place in a re-enactment of one of Elton John's Marie Antoinette spectaculars.
The prosecution counsel's gown was interesting. It was a blue ballgown with a plunging neckline. Mind you, the prosecution counsel was an absolutely stunning blonde chick with the sort of body that looks bloody good in a ballgown with a plunging neckline.
"We-e-e-ll," said Roger (QC and jar). "Here we ...."
"ORDER!, ORDER!" screamed one of the judges.
"Who said you could speak! Bloody uphill gardener!"
Roger noticed that the judge was a familiar yellow colour and when he stood had square pants. This wasn't looking good for Staines who also recognised SBSP.
"OK you load of pansies are charged with unlawfully throwing a judge from a boat into the sea, how do you plead!?"
The centrally-located judge looked at his apparently hysterical colleague and said:-
"Calm down! We'll deal with one case at a time. Right now, we are here to try Glorsprang Nemo on a charge of sedentary. Clerk, is the defence counsel present?"
"Yes m'lud," said a short nun sitting in front of the bench. "he has just arrived."
"Proceed," said the judge.
The diminutive little sister hopped down from her seat and addressed the penguin in the dock:
"Please state clearly your name, address and occupation."
The penguin shuffled from one webbed foot to the other, shrugged what passed for his shoulders and waved his little flippers about in a frustrated manner.
Roger (Qc and jar), now attired in a flowing wizard-like robe and a very dodgy-looking hairpiece that he had borrowed from Sponcracker, rose to his feet, grasped his lapels and addressed the bench:-
"M'luds," quoth he. "As your judicial personages can see, the defendant is a penguin and has no capacity to speak. He (or, for all I know, she) cannot therefore satisfy the court as to the question of his or her identity. That being manifestly the case, I submit to you that this trial is over before it can start because none of us can know whether or not this unfortunate Antarctic avian is, in fact, Glorsprang Nemo, President of Nemo Corporation."
"Good start!" said Sponcracker - under his breath.
"What'd 'e say?' said Groans.
"Silence in court!" said the lead judge. "Defence counsel makes an interesting point. What say you, Miss Honeybuttocks?"
The prosecution counsel rose seductively to her delightful full height.
"M'Lud," she purred. "Whilst aboard the vessel Very Little Veritas Indeed, this penguin was heard to speak." She consulted her notes. "He said, and I quote: 'Stains, If you should die, you be an ex, then when we replay your last utterance ...etc' Leaving aside the mis-spelling and grammatical errors, M'Lud, it seems clear that he is able to speak."
Roger sprang to his feet: "M'Lud, it is not at all clear! I was present at the time of this alleged speech and I recall thinking that the speech in question sounded as if it was pronounced with a distinct French accent! Nemo has no discernible accent."
"French, eh?" said the judge. "How can this be?"
"Moo ay hoolp?" said Crabtree. "Es meest poople knew, ay spook Fronch particuloorly will!"
"What'd 'e say?" said Groans.