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... mistake them for furry bedroom slippers.
Vyvyen, whilst atempting to put one of the ALFs on his right foot, was startled to be addressed by said ALF:-
"Oy!" said the alien life form. "If you are attempting to ingratiate yourself with me, shoving your horribly dirty foot up my bottom is unlikely to do the trick!'
Vyvyen's reaction was a joy to behold. He ...
look through the drawers and cupboards for the container of hallucinogenic drug called 'Boggle'.
They found it and took some and their minds boggled as expected...........
Maaaan, this is cooool' exclaimed the long haired pierced one, 'long nosed cats man'.
The aliens, horified that they had somehow wound up here responded................
"Now children," said Sally. "As you can see, the phenomenom of passing from one universe to another has once again caused a shift in the space/time continuum and two separate events seem to be occurring simultaneously. You have one alien life form being assaulted in a very distressing manner by this Vyvyen character while the others are busy being horrified at having arrived in a strange plot line. So what do we call this literary convention? Anyone?"
"Please miss! Please miss!" A group of sycophantic teacher's pets at the front of the class waved beseeching hands in the air. Sally ignored them and pointed at her most unruly student: Billy, who was - as usual - intent on excavating the contents of his nasal passages at the back of the class.
"Billy! Stop that at once!" said Sally. "Now, what do we call this literary convention?"
"It's a ****-up, Miss," said Billy.
Sally was ....
horrified that he couldn't spell ****** properly for it should be **** unless spelled with a PH and two K's, which grammatically is incorrect.
She went on to chastise Billy and lectured how to avoid alliteration. Always.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. Remember to never split an infinitive. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos, even for aliens wearing foilies. One should never generalize.
Billy then removed his wrist from his nostril, inspected the colourful swirls of thickened artistic nostril droppings in his palm, looked up at Sally and responded 'Huh?'
Oh Gawd, said Sally, I think we have a deserter from the other side of the rip.
With this Billy stood up and...............
... was counted.
"One," said a bloke who had just entered the classroom.
"Who are you?" said Sally.
"I'm the Head Counter," said the bloke. "You all appear to have the appropriate number of heads. Except for Zaphod over there and the two Tasmanians, of course." He left the room.
"Zaphod? Tasmanians? What on earth was he talking about?" said Sally.
Billy, meanwhile, had stepped through a crack in the wallpaper. The crack was of course ....
an ersatz door..........
which can be purchased at any doors'r'us store just beside the elevator doors for the advertised price less 10% for regular customers who are wearing foil beanies.
Whilst there you will notice a poster of Sir William Churchill, complete with speech bubble saying
"This is the sort of pedantry up with which I will not put!"
.
.
.
But once more digress, I do.
Once you purchase said door you will be able to step through bringing all of us onto the bridge of the spaceship stolen by Zaphod whilst fleeing from the head counter.
This ship which was powered by the infinite improbability drive, and as such it is amazing that it hasn't featured in this improbable tale earlier, was called ....
The Rat's Rectum.
which was the nickname of Sir William Churchill, the lesser known brother of Sir Winston Churchill.
Of course now we are in search of a bunch of Petunia's masquarading as a whale...................
who was born just in time to...
slip through TRITFOTU and surface off the port bow of the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed.
"Thar she blows" bellowed Staines from his position athwart the Crow's Nest.
The crew turned as one and cast their collective gaze upon the Mother Farquar.
Mother F was non-plussed at this and in a quavering voice said ......
Where's me knickers?
The Hole In The Drawers Gang materialised over the taffrail still collectively (they were now known as the Hole In The Drawers Collective) wearing a pair of the afore-mentioned lady's unmentionables. They improvised a very dubious clog version of a sailor's hornpipe, jumped down onto the poop deck, slipped in the poop, described a collective backward somersault with splat and landed on their collective knees saying, collectively:-
"Tah-Daaah!"
"Me knickers!' quoth the Mother Farcquar and she ...
heaved her formidable bulk in the direction of the aformentioned clog dancing collective and started laying about her indiscriminately.
'Pinch a lady's knickers would you, you pinko clog fanciers'.
'Take that, and that and that' she cried as she booted the lead clog dancer up the clacker.
Retrieving her now somewhat worse for wear knickers she turned on the crew who had an apalled look on their collective faces.
Raising herself to her full hight she bellowed ......
“I’m bankrupt!” It seems Farcquar’s Mum, although well, owed
A great deal of ackers, spondoolicks and greenbacks
To the government in the form of some duties and back-tax.
“So what!” cried the crew. “We don’t care if you’re banjaxed!”
“You’ve bullied and cowed us so we can’t even relax
At smoko. We’re constantly worried you’ll come and attack us
And now poor Captain Nemo has …"
... a case of ants in his dacks.
Ants in his whats? Cried the crowd for the word,
All the years in these parts had ne'er been heard,
The best choice would be "slacks", and you will have observed,
That it rhymes as well, so it too would have served.
Meanwhile, things on the poop deck had - once more - taken a prosaic turn (background mumbling: "Fank Gawd for that, couldn't take much more of that bloody awful doggerel!").
The Mother Farcquar, having vented her spleen on the Hole In The Drawers Collective and bemoaned her parlous financial state, had retired to her bunk on the orlop deck and the ship was proceeding calmly across either the ocean or the outer reaches of the galaxy - it was sometimes difficult to tell.
Up went the call for the ship's navigator, also known as the Master:-
"Bates!" cried the Captain. "Bates! Where's the Master? Staines! Groans! Send for the cabin boy to find the Master!"
Staines with an evil leer said: "The cabin boy, sir? D'you mean Roger the .... the..."
"No, you idiot!" bellowed the captain.
"Now is not the time for your perverted pleasure, there are laws against that sort of thing nowdays, I hear, I said send roger to find The Master.
Now!
So Roger for once in his life was able to turn his back on Staines, yet he didn't push his luck and scuttled away to find Mr Bates.
Meanwhile...
.... on the other side of the Rip, forces were conspiring to once more throw that scoundrel Chaos into the ostensibly ordered life aboard ship. (Cue threatening 'cello music from Jaws).
in the mean time in a galaxy far, far away.
The foiled one had received a parcel, and was, as we speak getting ready for the photo shoot............ (Cue threatening 'cello music from Jaws).
And a ghostly, disembodied voice was heard:
"Be afraid, be very afraid!"
:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
but it was merely a new warning on NOkia's mobile phone range that the batteries need recharging......................
So as the good ship Very Litle Gravitas Indeed was either an eighteenth century ship of the line, or a 23rd century spaceship, the sound of a mobile phone ring tone was neither here nor there.
Suddenly, (in 18th century mode) Cap'n Nemo cried; 'Back the mainsail. Staines, furl the ta'gallent. Midshipmen Roger, convey my compliments to Master Bates and inform him he's required on the bridge'
The rest of the crew went all gooey at the sound of this nautical authority and, trembling, waited for Nemo's next order. Which was ...
ignored by all and sundry because at that moment the evil giant decided enough was enough and in true Monty Python style started threatening individual crew members. So while Capt Nemo waited for his orders to be followed, the crew were trembling in fear of the giant who was...
.. an order of fries to accompany a half-pounder burger with the lot.
This entirely disappointed the crew, who immediately uttered a collective raspberry:-
"Thhrrrpppp!!" they said.
"What!" cried the captain and he ....
desparingly sighed.. 'just once I wish we could stay in period for more than a sentence. '
'I mean really, sometimes I wonder why I bother '(he muttered to himself).
It was whilst he was in this slough of despond that he almost missed mr midshipman Roger's cry of ...
help I'm suffocating.
As one was prone to do when trapped in MOther Farquars cleavage........
Bates, the ship's Master, looked up quickly.
"What's this?' he said to himself. "First, Roger the Cabin Boy is promoted to Midshipman with absolutely no fanfare at all and then he is heard suffocating from down the front of the Mother Farcquar's frock! What the hell is going on?'
Sally looked up from the book and addressed the class once more.
"What do you think has happened, children?" she said.
"Ya silly mare!" said Billy. "You've gorn and turned over two pages at once!"
"Billy!" said Sally and she ...
turned bright red as she remembered why the pages were stuck together.
was going to admonish him in the strongest terms but as she was about to let loose with some truely stinging invective she happened to look down at the book and she was horrified to see that Billy was absolutely correct. She had turned over two pages at once.
So, turning back a page she read:
'Lieutenant Hornblower, kindley arrange a muster of the ship's company' ordered Cap'n Nemo.
Felatio hurried to do the captains bidding. When all of the motley crew were assembled on the orlop deck (with the exception of the Mother F who was sleeping off her recent exertions) he addressed them thus:
'It has come to my attention, that one of our number has indeed been sorely used over a very long period. I refer of course to none other than yon cabin boy Roger. I feel that the poor lad has suffered enough, so in order to remove him from his tormenters - yes I'm looking at you Staines - I have decided to promote him to the rank of Midshipman. '
'From now on he is to be know as Mr Midshipman Roger'
'That is all, you may return to yout duties.'
Seaman Staines turned to Master Bates and said...
"Well I'll be buggered!"
"It's obvious that things are changing around here!" said Bates.
No sooner had the words left his lips than there was a load noise. It was one of those really imposing noises; the kind of noise that you would imagine might accompany a serious shift in the space/time continuum. And you would be right - and so was Master Bates - because that was exactly what had occurred.
The space/time continuum shifted. Things changed.
Midshipman Roger changed into Lieutenant Commander Roger, VC and Bar.
Seaman Staines changed into Leading Seaman Staines - it would bugger (sorry! :o ) up the gag if he was promoted any higher.
Captain Nemo changed back into a penguin.
The ship changed into the kind of really threatening intergalactic battlecruiser that you usually only see filling the top of huge cinema screens.
Most of these changes were quite successful.
Some weren't.
The Mother Farcquar, for example, changed out of her frock and into Flash Dordogne's lycra jump suit. It was wrinkly on Flash. It was just about the worst sight you could imagine on the Mother Farcquar.
In the penguinness of Cap'n Nemo, it fell to Lieutenant Commander Roger, VC and Bar, to assume command.
"I have the ship!" he said, looking about him with a stern eye. This was disconcerting for the rest of the crew. After all, most people have their eyes mounted at the front of the heads.
Clouseau ....
said, while I ave your attention, when are we going to fix the bloody rip in the fabric so we can go back to a normal life!!! "A voice from above boomed "Let there be no fix for the rip in the fabrick of the underpants, oops!! Universe!! If this ever gets fixed we have no story. That could be a bugger!!" Capn' Nemo chuckled and said....
something, but no one could understand him since Col turned him into a penguin.
The first order roger gave as commander of the ship was... (and No it had nothing to do with burgers and fries since that gaga was only used two days ago)
absolutely nothing. For penguins, as well as being flightless are also voiceless.
LC Roger meanwhile suddenly noticed a personage loitering around the taff rail whom he had not seen before.
'This is curious' he thought to himself 'I wonder who he could be'
'I say, you sir' he said to the mysterious person, 'explain yourself if you please'
The mysterious stranger turned to LC Roger and in a haughty voice said 'I sir am Major Algernon Frontbottom, Royal Marines'
Well to say that Roger was flabergasted would be an understatement.
In fact, he turned to LS Staines and said ....
"Staines! To say that I am flabbergasted would be an understatement! This bootneck says his name is Algernon Frontbottom!"
"Aye aye, sir!" said Staines. "And anyone can see that he's wearing his ar... his bottom in the normal manner. Sir."
"No, no! You don't understand!" said Roger (VC and Bar). "I've never mentioned this before because, well, frankly, when I was a more junior member of the crew I was always concerned that any mention of (cough) bottom (cough, cough) in your near vicinity was likely to result in consequences for me that were (cough, ahem) shall we say, unfortunate ... "
"Fer Gawd's sake!" said Staines. "Get on with it! That is, get on with it, sir!"
"Well, the thing is, well ... ah yes .. get on with it ... right. (Deep breath) Well, my name, y'see. My real name, that is ... is Roger Frontbottom (VC and Bar). I think this mysterious stranger with the haughty voice may be my father!"
"Bugger me!" said Staines.
At this, Major Algernon Frontbottom, RM ....
said 'I want to see Fellatio'.
Groans, who was a bit Mutt n' Jeff, turned to Staines and said:
"What did 'e say?"
"Sez 'e wants to see Fellatio."
"Hornblower?"
"Well, that's one way of puttin' it , I s'pose."
"Nah, ya drongo! That's 'is name!"
"No it's not, it's Frontbottom. Same as Roger (VC and Bar), apparently."
"What? You're a bloody idiot!"
"Deaf old sod!" And so on.
Meanwhile, Lt. Commander Roger (VC and Bar) was advising Frontbottom that his mission might be in vain.
"Y'see," he said. "Since that extraordinary noise occurred, everything has changed. No-one has noticed Hornblower. I mean, he might even be one of these hostile-looking robots! *****! Where the hell did they come from?"
Roger (VC and Bar) was referring to a phalanx of metallic droids who were marching purposefully along the main deck, carrying a prone and struggling Mother Farcquar above their heads. Clad, as she was, in Flash Dordogne's lycra jump suit, she presented, as has been recorded, a distasteful spectacle.
Frontbottom glanced towards the robots and cried: "I say! You there! Have you seen Fellatio? I mean to say ...."
'Lieutenant Fellatio Hornbl...'
Unfortunately this was all that Frontbottom managed to utter as he was roughly shoved out of the way by the silver robots who seemed intent on delivering the lycra clad Mother F to the poop deck.
LC Roger (VC and bar) was quickly becoming alarmed as it was becoming obvious that he was the focus of the strange prosession.
The Mother F was equally perturbed to be conveyed in such an undignified fashion, although she did secretly feel that she looked rather fetching in Flash's lycra suit.
Obvously she was the only member of the ship's company that thought this.
Staines was actually having trouble keeping down his breakfast at the sight.
Halting in fornt of LC Roger (VC and bar), the lead robot said in a rather fruity upper class English accent .....
"Lead robot? How dare you, I am constructed from the finest Silver, polished to within an inch of it's life and caressed by Maidens who ... what? Oh I see. Yes, alright, sorry a slight malfunction in the understandatron circuits there, my mistake. Now, yes as the LEAD robot, that is the robot in charge, it is my duty to inform you that you are forthwith to be stripped of your VC AND your bar and you are to appear before a jury of your peers to be tried for the crime of ...