Wise Words of Wisdom

Sometimes, when I lookat my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
-Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll becomea philosopher.
- Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante



I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name wasSHUT UP.
- Joe Namath


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation.As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

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