Finishing for beginners

Hi experts and amateurs alike
I need some advice on finishing. I have grieved many times about the poor finishes that my better half's building projects have had. So I have decided to become the finisher in the family, and have consumed lots of info. I am refinishing two small side tables David built. I am still not sure about the correct order of the stages of finish. I want to achieve a flat, matte finish on Vic Ash, which is grained heavily and often looks like a moonscape in backlinghting.

I need to use sanding sealer (?) to bring the woodgrain up, sand and then use filler (?), colour, sand, apply finish. Is this order right? Any advice about grain filling would be appreciated. Have never used it. Will using it help reduce the number of clear coats I need to apply to finish the job? What's best for Vic Ash in the way of grain filler?

How do I get a matte 'glow' on the final finish, like older furniture has. I don't like too much shine. I am using Solver Polysol Satin Clear on my learning piece. I am up to 3 coats, but the finish is still not very inspiring, and the surface is still like an acne pockmarked face.

Any advice is welcome. Traps for young players must be many and varied.
:U

LiliB