For everyone who has a daugther

For everyone who has a daugther and those whom have dated them.....

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA Grid_____________

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________ DRIVERS LICENSE ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother?_____________

Priest or Pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _______________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative
_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here )
Notary Public

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

Heck Yes!!!!!!:2tsup::2tsup:

I don't see any problems with all that
... but glad I don't have any unmarried daughters still
living at home otherwise they would never be game
to leave the house.:D

Allan

__________________________________________

You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.

Is Good... I Like... :D
(but something in there about combs and haircuts wouldn't have been out of place...)

Best Wishes,
Batpig.

So why is this in the jokes section?

I've just sent this to the wife and step-daughter.....

I'm expecting a whole load of abuse when i get home from work :C

Quote:

Originally Posted by wheelinround

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

That is sensational! I really like that one - maybe it's a great way to get the lawn mown!!!

I do have a question though - why is Sydney Harbour Bridge spelt with American spelling :doh:

Cheers,
Dave

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ozkaban

I do have a question though - why is Sydney Harbour Bridge spelt with American spelling :doh:

Cheers,
Dave

Most likely source was an American jokes site or forum, and Ray (wheelinround) did an incomplete translation into Strine. Another clue (or clew, if you must) is the ZIP code in the applicant's address. In Canada, the term is "Postal Code." What's the equivalent in Oz?

Joe

Quote:

Originally Posted by joe greiner

Most likely source was an American jokes site or forum, and Ray (wheelinround) did an incomplete translation into Strine. Another clue (or clew, if you must) is the ZIP code in the applicant's address. In Canada, the term is "Postal Code." What's the equivalent in Oz?

Joe

Nope didn't touch it actually just cut and paste its been around for many years first time I sw it was after just getting the internet back in the 90's and has by the looks been added too.

What the typo error could/would be Microcrap and the standard install of US spell check on all its products.:~

Quote:

Originally Posted by wheelinround

What the typo error could/would be Microcrap and the standard install of US spell check on all its products.:~

Yep. That'd do it to you. I think you can install an alternate spell checker, though. Or just do a manual over-ride.

Here's the skinny on postal codes, including a link to Oz postcodes, as well as other countries:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postal_code

Joe

When I first saw it some years back, it was attributed
to a US Marine.

After a few misadventures with one of my daughters and inviting many of the suitors to join us at a many Restaurants I got tied of paying for some of the misfits at some high priced restaurants.

None of the potentials were of any benefit to me so in disgust I gave her a list of ten things the next potential had to have and I expected at least a 70 % pass before he was allowed in the house.

On the list was

Must have good computer skills. My business needed some help on the cheap.
Must be able to weld. I had some welding jobs to be done.
Must be able to do some electrical work.
Must be able to cook.
Must appreciate a close family life.
Must have an interest in sport.
Must have an interest in wood work
Must appreciate fine restaurants.
etc
etc

Two weeks later to my surprise she said she has a new friend that she thought I might like. I said great, but do not bring him home unless he meets the new 10 commandments.

To my surprise she said she put the ten questions to him and he gained a 90 % pass.

He was a top guy, my wife and I liked him, He was starting to become part of the family but my daughter eventually gave him the flick because I had more in common with him then she did and she even suggested that if I like him so much go out with him.