Armed teacher arrested at airport

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believed the man was a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man, who had not been identified, had been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a credible threat to national security, and Homeland Security forces have made a measured response to this threat to America,” Gonzales said.

“They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country,” he said.

President George W. Bush released a statement at a White House press conference after the arrest.

“It all adds up to something. What that is we don’t know. We do know that this man is an evildoer. He did not have nucular weapons. But he had other weapons. Those weapons were calculated to cause an effect,” President Bush said.

Asked whether U.S. forces in Iraq should be given similar weapons, President Bush said, “There are three sides to every triangle. If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.”

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