Resume Hints

THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL CVs AND COVERING LETTERS, allegedly......
> > 1. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet pogroms.
> > 2. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
> > 3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
> > 4. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
> > 5. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
> > 6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
> > 7. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
> > 8. Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
> > 9. I was working for my mum until she decided to move.
> > 10. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
> > commitments.
> > 11. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
> > 12. I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to
> > respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
> > 13. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
in
> > meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
> > 14. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
> > 15. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
> > 16. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
> > 17. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
> > never quit a job.
> > 18. Marital status: often. Children: various.
> > 19. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
> > employers.
> > 20. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
> > 21. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
> >
> > THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
> > 1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
> > started to dig.
> > 2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
> > 3. This associate is really not so much of a "has-been", but more of a
> > definitely "won't be".
> > 4. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
> > 5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in
> > a trap.
> > 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
> > whichever foot was previously in there.
> > 7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve
> > them.
> > 8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
> > 9. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.
> >
> > THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS
> > 1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
> > 2. A room temperature IQ.
> > 3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
> > together.
> > 4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
> > 5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
> > 6. Bright as Alaska in December.
> > 7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
> > 8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
> > 9. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
> > 10. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
> > 11. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
> > 12. This soldier will spend the rest of his service career pushing
doors
> > marked pull.