Great moments in history

Moments in MAN HISTORY

Day 1. God creates Man! Nice call on God's part.

Day1.5 Adam finds his tallywacker. Adam makes plans for the weekend.

Day 2. God creates Woman. Again, nice call God (High Five!)

Day2.01 Adam cancels his plans for the weekend. Makes new plans.

Day 10. After being specifically told by God not to eat the forbidden fruit, what does Eve do? God sends man packing. This is the first known case of domestic violence. Also, "stupid" is combined for the first time with "Bitch" and the "C" word.

10500BC Man domesticates the dog. Early evidence suggests that man needed a best friend, woman just wasn't cutting it. Dog develops tail between legs trick.

1500BC Major breakthrough in boredom technology is achieved with the fermentation of barley, hops and grain. Known today as "BEER" Cheers to the ancient Egyptians! The next day Pharaoh has his people working on aspirin.

1499BC Egyptians really put their minds to it and make hard liquor!

1200BC Moses parts the Red Sea in an effort to get away from his wife who was bitching that the desert heat was drying out her skin. Moses throws rotten berries at her and invents make-up.

776BC Greeks combine Egyptian beer with sporting events. Known as "The Olympic Games" the same weekend gave rise to keggers, toga parties and fraternities.

69BC Roman gladiator, Fellatio Cunnilingus convinces his girlfriend to, "try something new".

0 The birth of the Savior of Man, Jesus. I think it better that I leave this one alone.

271 AD. In China, the compass is invented. No explanation why, but it would seem that no one wanted to ask for directions!

1095AD Thirsty Europeans make the first beer run. Known as the Crusades, it lasts 200 years. Rumor has it the first designated driver in history, Al, lost his compass. The phrase, "dumb " is first muttered.

1764AD Benjamin Franklin decided it was a good idea to fly his kite in a lightning storm. Not only did he discover electricity but for the first time used the word "****" in a non-sexual content. Franklin used this new discovery to build an electric toothbrush which he gave to friend, George Washington. Not being able to actually harness 1.1gigawatts, it knocked out all of George's teeth.

1885AD Karl Benz creates the first automobile. The next weekend Benz's son, in a more brilliant move, invents the back seat, DUI and teen pregnancy. Benz sells the whole auto idea to Henry Ford to cover legal expenses and the abortion.

1885AD Eastman Kodak develops (pardon the pun) the camera. He loans the camera to his aide Hugh Hefner to try it out for a while. You know, just to see if the camera works.

1876AD Alexander G. Bell tells Mr. Watson, "Come here, I need you!" and the telephone is born. His wife gets a hold of it and Bell never gets to use his invention again. In fact Bell begins to work with the deaf just for the peace and quiet.

1932AD Aldo Visa comes up with the bright idea to no longer carry cash. Visa carries a plastic name tag that acts as a promisary note. Women embrace the idea. Women also embrace, bankruptcy, chapter 11 and debtor's prison. Visa dies from a heart attack when he receives his first credit card statement!

1940AD Good News and Bad News. TV= Good, Commercials=Bad.

1969AD Man lands on the moon. Walks around on it, golfs on it, rides dune buggies on it and trashes the idea for a men's resort. No fishing or hunting...damn!