The hound of Littlehampton
This is a true story.
I received a letter recently via postal delivery, “To the resident” with my actual address on the envelope. It was a hand-written letter, but the author did not attach their name or address. It told me that my dog was barking incessantly and, if I didn’t do anything about it, they would report me to the council.
I have drafted my response that I hope gets back to the author, via the community grapevine, in time for Halloween.
Dear Sir/Madam,
Thank you for alerting me to the fact that my dog constantly barks, and I apologise for the stress that this is obviously causing you.
It is also a little distressing for me, too, as my dog died about 10 years ago and I buried it in the back yard of our house that we lived in at the time.
I know that the new owners of our previous house have been digging up the back yard. I only assume that they disturbed the bones of the dog, and his ghost must have found its way home to our new house.
Perhaps, instead of threatening to report me to council, may I suggest that you contact an organisation that deals with the afterlife.
Yours faithfully,
Etc.