A Few Good Chuckles

CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?"
Customer: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”
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Paddy was inconsolable when his dog went missing.
His wife says, “Why not put an advertisement in the paper?”
Paddy does this but is very upset when he hasn’t heard anything after 2 weeks.
“What did you put in the paper?” asks his trusting wife.
“Here boy”, replies Paddy.
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QUIPS FROM WILL ROGERS, a famous humorist, long dead…
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
• If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising, then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
• Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this…
No nation is allowed to enter a war until they have paid for the last one.
• I don't do jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.
• It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
• Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
• Live in such a way that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
• Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
• People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.
• People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument.
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Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, “...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could,
one after another.
The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."
The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"
The guy says, "A dollar."
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"Honestly must be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy." -George Carlin
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Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
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Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
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Murphy's Technology Law #8 -- A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
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Murphy's Technology Law #2 -- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
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"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue, and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?"
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I came home one night and my wife was crying.
I said, "What's wrong?"
She said, "I'm home sick."
I said, "This is your home."
And she said, "Yes, and I'm sick of it."
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"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people."
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I was waiting on some customers at the shoe store where I
work when I was interrupted by a very determined woman.
Pointing to a sneaker made by Reebok, she asked, "Do you
have this in a Nike?"
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Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of giant's fingers.


Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder.


Q: What do you call it when a king goes to the bathroom?
A: A royal flush.