This Week Ends Funnies

Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"


A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"


In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic


And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

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My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering


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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once , by mistake.


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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've
been divorced three times."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife.."


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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"


Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?


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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening,
and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asking, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"