The Blondes Are Back

Wedding Ceremony
At a wedding , the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.
She started slowly walking toward the minister.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

Barking Dog
A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!
Two Blondes with Hammers...

Lisa & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lisa was nailing down house siding and would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'
Judy became completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
Drive-in Movie
Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest & then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants...I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

This one is my favorite!
A blonde was driving home after a game & was caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!

A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the shop assistant to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..
Her boss enquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied......'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde arrives at work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I receives a phone call saying my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

LAST MINUTE SUBJECT CHANGE
Squirrel problem at church
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels slide in and drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptised all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.