Parenting etc. from a pre baby boomer

This is along the lines of the 'Gen-Y's" thread.

SWMBO and I have been married 52 years in August. The marriages of both of our parents lasted into the mid their 50 years.

My parents came of age during the Great Depression, SWMBO parents a few years later.

My parents never had a dollar that they didn't try to keep. Money was paramount in their lives. They never financed anything, even a house. One of my mother's favorite expressions was, "If you have the money, go ahead and buy it." But should I follow that advice there was h*** to pay. Cash birthday and holiday gifts were always spent for clothes.

I started delivering papers at age 12. My parents took half of what I made. That first payday was a shock. They took half, and sometimes more, of everything that I earned until I moved out of the house. In addition they expected me to purchase a lot of my necessities. It wasn't that my parents needed the money to survive but rather to sock it away in a savings account. I had saved up enough to purchase a portable dishwasher. It was a gift for Mother's Day. The dishwasher was delivered while I was in school and even knowing it was a gift my Mother sent it back. When I got home from school I was yelled at and ordered to get my money back. In tears, I went to the appliance store for the refund. The owner of the appliance store refunded my money and with his arm around my shoulder told me that he was sorry. When I got home my Mother demanded the money, counted it and I never saw it again.

SWMBO was raised in a similar environment.

When SWMBO and I got married, we decided to raise our children exactly the opposite of the way that we were raised. One downside is that both the boys appreciate the better things in life. Perhaps they appreciate them too well.

It sounds harsh and perhaps sour grapes, I know.
Growing up, I was told frequently that I was "No good" or "Useless" or "Never amount to anything" or "You're worse than your (younger) brother" or "You're going to spend your life in jail" or "I don't know why we ever had you guys".

When we were raising the boys, my father would try to correct our "style" in raising the boys. My answer would always be, "No Father, we don't do it that way." That, in my opinion was the end of the discussion on the subject. Which would really irritate my Father and he wouldn't speak to me for a few hours. (Usually a good thing.)

So, how did we do?

Our children, two boys, are now in their mid forties. The youngest just got married, last month. At the reception, a parent that has known both boys since their pre high school years, told me "You have good kids." It has been awhile (15 years or so) since I've heard that but I can't remember the number of times that I have heard that from other parents.

I guess that sometimes 'Father and Mother do NOT always know best' but common sense is almost always better.

Rich, my Parents were of the same metal as yours. Dad was born 1914 and Mum 1922. Dads father died when he was 3 so Dad was raised with influences of his Uncles and one Grand father.
Yeh I can still hear Dad saying I was useless.(I promised my self that when I had my own kids, I would not say that. So far so good. 2 girls 31 and 26)
Mum ruled the 5 of us kids with a cane handled feather duster that she would use regularly. After 10years of marriage Mum moved into my brothers room and I moved into a single bed next to dad. They would burr each other and argue. Home was never very harmonious place. We had our chores to do and you HAD to do them or else. Dad worked it menial jobs so money was short all the time but we never went without a meal and mum would make clothing for us rather than buy it. When my eldest sister was old enough mum took her out of business college and found a job for her so mums income could increase. I think mum took half of what the sister earned. I only found out about this a couple of years ago. Mum made sure I paid my board every week.

We never went out (only to church) and very few people would visit.

Well we all grew up and didn't turn into axe murderers

My father told a story of how he used to be chained up to a post so he could not wander if his parents had to leave him unsupervised and he was subject to a fair amount of physical punishment as well. I was never hit as a child and I think that the reason was Dad's upbringing and mum could talk anyone into anything if she wanted to. Times and our attitude to upbringing have changed for the better in most parts and in others not so much. I think day to day courtesies that were drummed into me at school and home have suffered, as a child I never called any adult anything other than Mr or Mrs and couldn't anyway because I did not know their christian names. I had this discussion the other day and the young person I was having it with could not see the point I was making about children addressing adults by their christian names.

My father was brutalised as a kid growing up in the depression and this was cemented by his experiences in war. He brutalised us in turn. Of the five of his children, only three in turn had children. The other two refused to have children because of his behaviour towards them growing up. None of us have ever carried on with his behaviour. Our kids collectively are a fantastic bunch of adults. You cop growing up, but make your own decisions on how you let it affect your parenting.

TT

Some very sobering experiences here, I cant help but feel that in relating these experiences that there is a degree of personal healing and acceptance.
The message that comes from all 3 says "love your children with tender firmness"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKHFZBUTA4k

Since the rise of advertising and the linking of youthful product perception to sales figures, media has evolved into youth worship. "Think of the children" is a common catchphrase to justify political actions. At the same time, the airhostess tells us to get our oxygen on first before helping others.

I'm not advocating violent punishment as a substitute, but it's obvious there is a balance of firm guidance. A bit difficult to effectively supervise when it takes two full-time jobs to save for a deposit (a hidden side effect of a relatively recent shift to gender equality in employment), or pay for your education in the fading hope of a getting a better paying job that won't become obsolete to automation before you retire.

It's about respect though. Children should respect thier elders. But thier elders should not demand respect from violence, but rather from the example they set, the sacrifices for family they make, the obstacles they've overcome, what they stand for and from the honest dialog with thier offspring.

Not all elders demand this form of respect, but hopefully enough do so that every kid has at least one in their life. My grandparents were not born in Australia so I hardly knew them, but many of thier generation I have met earned that respect. It seems a bit like the percentages slide the closer you get to whatever generation we are in now. Some of that is down to lack of life experience, which being younger is fair enough.

Some things we do don't inspire respect though. A few too many a bit too often? Limited skills or interests outside of TV and work? Often complain but rarely take action?

A saw a spectrum of discipline growing up in the 80s. The times were changing, but the belt was still making an appearance here and there. I got bamboo and wooden spoons. There was theatre to it though, Dad was smart. It started with "you just wait until Dad gets home". Mum's biggest threat.

Dad would get home. Have a hushed convo with Mum. I'm convinced he wasn't told what I'd done, just how many lashes were due. Dad would walk into the back yard in view of the window and take his time selecting a length of bamboo from the tree as if it were apples in the fruit section. Selected, he'd cut it out, do a few test whips in the air to make sure it sounded right, and then give me my due. The anticipation was terrifying.

Job done, Mum would sit me down to explain to me why whatever I did was wrong, with Dad chiming in once he caught up with the situation.

Good times. In the long run though I buy into the notion it made me better, and as they said "I'll thank them one day".

I saw many spoiled peers end up worse in the long run. The clearest long term divide I could see was between those who had teenage jobs and those that didn't. And nowadays many teenage jobs are already obsolete. Self service checkouts, Amazon-style warehouses etc.

The times are a changing, like they always do. This change is accelerated by technology and heavily influenced by media. Effective parents need to over-ride that influence and prepare the kids.

Some of these experiences are absolutely dreadful.

Thank you for sharing.

I can still remember the day when I was a 10 year old in the sixties when I said to myself
"I'm not gunna treat my kids like they treat us"
As far as I know, none of my siblings do either.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by turpene

But thier elders should not demand respect from violence, but rather from the example they set

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:aro-u: This.

My ex-step-mother was firmly in the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do camp of child-rearing; if I dared to speak to her the way she spoke to her own mother I would have copped it big time