How to Prepare for Ski Season
Visit your butcher and pay him $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for
half the day. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills as you warm up.
Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in
your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.
Pretend you are looking for your car.
For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes
and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $16.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
to wait in the longest line.
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
Drive slowly for five hours, anywhere as long as it's in a snowstorm
and you're following an 18 wheeler.
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
Drink a gallon of water and dress up in as many layers of clothes as
you can. Then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
