6 best affairs

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take
his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying mongrel!
You've been playing golf!'




The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: ' There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I
can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much
I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and
returned with a sandwich and a beer.
' Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody
offered me damned thing.'

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy
steak and a bottle of wine?'
'Fifty cents,' the barman replied.
'Fifty cents" exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept wit your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

A woman died and when she got to heaven St Peter said she could have one wish, "I'd like to be reunited with my husband who died 10 years ago" she said. "no worries, what's his name?" said St Peter getting the register out. "Bob Smith" says she. "Can you give me any more details" says St Peter "we've got 1/2 a million Bob Smiths up here." "Bob William Smith from Australia" she says. " Ok, that narrows it down to 48 B W Smiths, can you give me any more info" Says St Peter. "Well he did say he'd turn in his grave if I ever slept with another man" she says. "Got him" says St Peter "We're looking for Spinner Smith"

His wife was on her deathbed, her husband was with her having their final chat.

She asked him: "If you were to get married again would you let your new wife sleep in our bed?"

He replied: "Well I suppose so, it is only a bed, but it is a good one so I cannot see why I should buy another.

She thought that was reasonable and asked him: "would you let her wear my clothes?"

"Well there is no need to waste them and it would remind me of you so I probably would," he replied.

"Would you let her use my golf clubs?" she asked.

He responded: "Definitely not, she is left handed."

Cheers

Doug