BBC News - Suicide Bombers go on Strike
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the
afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an
agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by
25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent
years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of
virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was
unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary
Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves
to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be
treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief
executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers
concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a
competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a
chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between
reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits
but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to
blow themselves up.
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland,
Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not
hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of
suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing
star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like
and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
