Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

Not sure if this has been posted before but I think its the first time I have seen it, so too bad.... :D :D :D

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Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None. It should be opened when she brings it.


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Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.


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Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?

A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.


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Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

A. When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."


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Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?

A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


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Q. Why do men fart more than women?

A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.


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Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?

A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


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Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A. A woman who won't do what she's told.


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Q. I married a Miss Right.

A. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


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Q. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%.

A. It's called a Wedding Cake.


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Q. Why do men die before their wives?

A. They want to.


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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beergut, and still think they are sexy.


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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Q: How many men does it take to clean a toilet?

A: None, it's womens work.

Q. How can you tell if its time to do the dishes?

A. look in your pants.. if you see a penis, its not time. :eek:

And Adam was alone in the garden of Eden when he looked up and asked God for a partner.
God agreed and said he would send him someone who would never complain, be attractive and affectionate, tend to his every need and whim and raise the children without complaint.
She would also hunt for food and cook his meals as well as provide a clean comfortable home.
Adam thought this was wonderful and asked what this was going to cost, God replied, an arm and a leg, Adam thought about this and asked, what can I get for a rib?

What's a the difference between a pygmie and a member of the girls track team? Well, one is a cunning runt ...

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow(0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing(0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy(-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY:
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night(-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT:
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it(+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
ENJOY THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter
what]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Now what chance do you have???

Come on Iain, that's not even close to accurate. I've never known a woman to give you positive points

Richard

Alright, who pinched my card????????????
Call in forensics, a large bearded character was seen leaving the area carrying said card.