Letters to Santa - & replies
Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door
in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch. Santa
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you
do. I'm skipping your house. Santa
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging ***** may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into
our home? Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa
