In the spirit of Christmas 1

12 Days of Christmas - Gifts By Mail

Day 1:
Dearest Richard:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Gwen

Day 2:
Dearest Richard:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Gwen

Day 3:
Dearest Richard:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity – three French hens! They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Gwen

Day 4:
Dear Richard,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Gwen

Day 5:
Dearest Richard:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings… one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Gwen

Day 6:
Dear Richard:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Gwen

Day 7:
Richard:
What's with you and those frigging birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of joe-k is this? There's bird crap all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those blasted birds.
Sincerely,
Gwen

Day 8:
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the world am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own darned cows. There is crap all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smart guy.
Gwen

Day 9:
Hey!
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And boy do they play - they've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours…
Gwen

Day 10:
You Snake,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call them ladies - they've been fooling around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of crap. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.

Day 11:
Listen! Twitovalve,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been eyeing the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead - they've been trampled to death. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Gwen

Day 12:
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Gwen McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Pester and Billem
Federal Criminal Defense Attorneys