"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation"

[TassieKiwi]

Theroux said this. I've had a ***** week, with SHMBO mostly. I wonder where the exiting sexy interesting hornbag that I married went, sometimes. Don't want to be a downer on you brilliant people, but am I alone with this (occasional) leaden feeling?

Don't get me wrong, as there has/is/will be good times with nippers etc...

Sometimes, the big o'le world is a bit too much.

Den

[echnidna]

You are not alone with this (occasional) leaden feeling.
How you handle it can affect your future.

[kiwigeo]

Theroux said this. I've had a ***** week, with SHMBO mostly. I wonder where the exiting sexy interesting hornbag that I married went, sometimes. Don't want to be a downer on you brilliant people, but am I alone with this (occasional) leaden feeling?

Don't get me wrong, as there has/is/will be good times with nippers etc...

Sometimes, the big o'le world is a bit too much.

Den
Sounds like a fairly average week in my household.....

For comparison heres an example of a bad day at my house:

1. have a huge barney with SHMBO 2 minutes before guests are about to arrive for a BBQ. She locks herself in the bedroom and announces that she wont be coming out untill the next day.
2. SHMBO finally comes to her senses and appears just as the first guests arrive.
3. Not out of the woods yet.....the mobile goes and its a femal aquaintance who I dont class as a good friend..very drunk and abusing me for not inviting her to the BBQ.
4. Okay what else can go wrong? Im standing at the BBQ with all the burners turned on full blast for 5 minutes before I press the ignition button. WOOOF!!! A giant wall of flame erupts from the BBQ and burns a large bald patch on my left arm. Great hoots of laughter from the guests and a stunned look from SHMBO.
5. Its dark outside so I cant see what colour the meat is. It looks ok on the barbie in the dark but when I get it inside its jet black.....more s...t from SHMBO.

Dealing with partners is really all about taking the bad with the good. IMHO humans are inherently polygamous like our nearest relatives the chimps and spending all your life with one person is just not natural. After two weeks at home with SHMBO Im hanging out to get back to work and the boss is just as happy to get rid of me. Nothing personal in it...we just know our limitations and acknowledge that we both need our own space at times.

[jackiew]

I wonder where the exiting sexy interesting hornbag that I married went, sometimes.
Den

I think what you want to worry about is whether she is asking herself " what happened to the gorgeous, attentive studmuffin that I married".

If you think about what happens when you're dating someone - you make an effort, you say nice things to them, you don't slag them off, you spent time with them - then think about what happens when you're married with kids - you both get home knackered and are more concerned with telling the other about the crap day that you've had rather than finding out about what kind of day they've had. All the faults get magnified. All the good bits get forgotten.

Got nothing to lose by trying to remember her good points and saying thankyou for the things she does even if you think they are her job to do anyway - remember if it all goes pear shaped and you split up - it will then be YOUR job. Got nothing to lose by making an effort to spend some quality time together even if its just going for a walk and holding hands. BTW I'm not suggesting for a moment that its your fault at all ... I'm just saying that if you do your best to act towards someone like they are the best thing since sliced bread they usually respond favourably.

and yes wondering what went wrong occasionally is perfectly normal and echidna is perfectly correct its how you handle it that matters.

[JackoH]

All sounds perfectly normal to me.

[arose62]

Tassie,

I've been "this close" to writing a farewell on this board, as we've been in a "leaden feeling" period for a while.

SWMBO has even taken to sabotaging any project I mention I'd like to do; ie: if I say I'd like to make a stove for the 2yo daughter, next day K-mart says "thanks for your money". Etc, etc.

No chrissie present for me, no birthday present, no Fathers Day present....

Will be interesting to see if there's an anniversary present. Of course, it's been made clear what I'll be buying her!

Not to end on negative note, I'm still here, and would recommend "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", particularly the part about how they keep score!!!!

Cheers,
Andrew

[gatiep]

Hey Guys & Girls,

Been there, been through it, 35 years now. The simple saying: "It takes 2 to tango" holds true.

Life is about giving and expecting nothing or very little in return. Only by giving will you receive. If you give , you can bet that you'll get in return. I'm not suggesting that it is easy, it isn't, but remember all the trouble you went too dating. I bet both of you are not putting that much effort into making for a smooth finish. The worst time ever to make a comment or even try to reply to something your partner has said is when you or your partner is upset.......I wish lotto was as predictable as the fight you are heading for.

When courting we see a beautiful 'rose' and only this rose that we are obsessed with. Ever thought about it that when you go to the nursery and buy a rose, it comes in a pot with compost! So once your married and the excitement etc etc has vanished, you start noticing more and more of the compost and less of the rose. A very true fact to realise however is that you were also a 'rose' to her and guess what: You came with your own compost. Toil in her and your compost , both of you, maybe that beautiful rose will bud again.

It takes effort and sweat from both parties.
.
Back to the first paragraph: "It takes two to tango". So if If you want to tango, make sure you turn on good music!

Life is not all sweet and roses but surely beats the alternative.

Enjoy your weekend

:)

[ozwinner]

Gees, lighten up people.


Al :)

[bitingmidge]

Gees, lighten up people.


Al :)
Well for what it's worth, last night I remarked to my beloved:

"Wow! A whole weekend in the shed with no interruptions, do you know how many new projects I can start in two whole days?? :D "

She got this sort of coy look I haven't seen since before we had kids, and said (and this is absolutely word for word):

"I love you". :p

No prizes for guessing what was coming next. :o

She leaned over, quietly whispered in my ear, and gently let me down. :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

"Actually" she said in that sort of panting voice women get when they feel a bit stressed, "we have guests for breakfast Saturday, two more arriving at lunch, another for dinner, (two of them to stay overnight) and a couple of friends from Bali arriving mid-morning Sunday and they're staying Monday too!!!"

(She did apologise...seems she was too busy talking to all of them to actually remember to tell me!)

After reading the above, should we, dear readers, have taken advantage of her misdemeanour in the manner in which we did?? :D :D :D

Or should I have sulked off to the shed for the whole weekend anyway?

Nothing started yet in the shed so far this weekend by the way!!

Cheers,

P
:D

[Rocker]

One of the advantages of being somewhat elderly is that your mid-life crisis is behind you. The good news is that, even though you may have an episode of depression, it may not last that long, and you may find happiness later in life. That has been my experience, anyway.

Rocker

[Sturdee]

Nothing started yet in the shed so far this weekend by the way!!


I think you did the right thing , next time you foul up by forgetting something she'll remember this and be more forgiving. Give and take really.

In any case you would have only started a few more projects. :eek: Maybe it would be different if you were going to finish some projects. :D :D :D


Peter.

[kiwigeo]

One of the advantages of being somewhat elderly is that your mid-life crisis is behind you. The good news is that, even though you may have an episode of depression, it may not last that long, and you may find happiness later in life. That has been my experience, anyway.

Rocker
My experience too Rocker. When I look back on my life I would say that up untill my mid 30s things havent generally gone as planned and there were some exceptionally bad years. I also harboured a morbid fear of the looming "mid life crisis".

Well it hasnt happened and in general Im actually enjoying being middle aged....

[kiwigeo]

Theroux said this. I've had a ***** week, with SHMBO mostly. I wonder where the exiting sexy interesting hornbag that I married went, sometimes. Don't want to be a downer on you brilliant people, but am I alone with this (occasional) leaden feeling?

Don't get me wrong, as there has/is/will be good times with nippers etc...

Sometimes, the big o'le world is a bit too much.

DenDen, Ive read your posting over a few times and I really think the problem isnt with you or your partner....youre simply not doing enough woodwork.

Time to head out to the workshop mate and forget about the woes of the world.

PS: youre not getting homesick for the motherland by any chance are you? Is a common reason for my occasional flat spots.

[bitingmidge]

I think you did the right thing , next time you foul up by forgetting something she'll remember this and be more forgiving. Give and take really.

In any case you would have only started a few more projects. :eek: Maybe it would be different if you were going to finish some projects. :D :D :D

Peter,

Thanks, but let me assure all, while the incident is absolutely true as is the reporting, my reaction is very much tongue in cheek!! :D :D :D

After 30 something years, I know where I get my jollies!!! :D :D :D

Cheers,

P :o

[bitingmidge]

Den, Ive read your posting over a few times and I really think the problem isnt with you or your partner....youre simply not doing enough woodwork.

Den,

Make a pact with yourself to start four projects every weekend for the next year... that ought to get you through it!!

Cheers,

P

[ernknot]

I was going to come up with something profound but decided what the hell!

[bitingmidge]

Don't the moderators censor profundity?

:D
P

[kiwigeo]

I was going to come up with something profound but decided what the hell!
Hey werent those the last words screamed by that guy who decided to try sky diving without a parachute?? :)

[Daddles]

Ah boys, there are things to be said for the single state. The only woman in my life is three and lives with me half the time. She causes enough trouble to last the rest of the week. My lad (12) is with me all the time and so we get to enjoy a carefree, bachelor existence when my little princess is at her mothers, like going fishing straight after school and keeping the bait in the freezer.
No wimmen's troubles.
No mimmen's stresses.
It's great.
So why do I put the kids to bed, look at the cat and think that there are benefits to having a partner, like companionship.

And no, I'm not going to get profound. I tried that once but found it messed with my boat building.

Cheers
Richard
not nuts, just a good imitator

[kiwigeo]

Richard...your website looks like it's down (10pm Sunday, NT Time). Got a message telling me the site wasnt on the server.

Dont think its a problem with the IT system Im running through.

[Daddles]

Thanks for that Kiwi. It's an old story. When the ex decided to become an ex, she cut off my internet access. So I got a new provider, and moved my homepage ... and forgot to change my signature. Hence the no-show of my website. It works now. The boats are under 'Interests'.

I see you're in the Adelaide Hills. Pretty close to home if you're interested in making contact.

Cheers
Richard

[kiwigeo]

Hence the no-show of my website. It works now. The boats are under 'Interests'.

I see you're in the Adelaide Hills. Pretty close to home if you're interested in making contact.

Cheers
Richard
Might just do that. Im not a sailing person (spend half my life on the sea at work) but the boats do look dandy and well built. The MGs are pretty spiffy too. You'd probably know a good friend of mine whos an MG nut..John Kemp. He's in the MG car club. He owns a couple B's, an A but his pride and joy is a Costello V8....a lovely machine that Ive driven a couple of times. The skid marks from the first drive are still outside my front gate. John used to me my neigbour and I watched him rebuild the Costello from the ground up....a real labour of love.

Cheers Martin

[TassieKiwi]

I've been away for a few days. Thanks for sharing the thoughts people.

After that crappy few days things have improved somewhat, and we had a very nice weekend. I should add that one shouldn't post after arguments and wine - but there you go.

Andrew - I guess you should do what I should do, and go somewhere and talk it over. I did try this, but it made me sadder at the time, and that particular conversation didn't resolve anything. Maybe we need to have lots - not easy with pre-schoolers, work etc. I can recommend a book called 'Manhood', which at keast identified some of the things that were happening around me. I hope you were not thinking of signing off the BIG bulletin board BTW - don't do that mate, she'd never forgive you then!

Kiwigeo - the ol' homesick blues do strike without warning, and tend to increase the lonely feeling. Thanks for your responses - much appreciated, and i guess no-one gets it right all the time.

There definately is a PLAN in hitting the workshop - though i then get accused of 'abandoning' 'er indoors. I've ordered the dewalt 735, so will HAVE to get out there and thrash that. Won't make the troubled feelings go away, but man, will it bury them in sawdust YEAH!

Good to see that even the most serious threads don't take long to get hijakced - V8 MG's indeed!

Thank you

Den

[Caliban]

Den
I'm glad I'm not the only one who regrets posts made after wine. :D
Glad to hear all's not lost. It does get hard to take at times, but as Joe says it's better than being dead. If you escape to the shed you'll be accused of making her a shed widow.
I'm taking her away this weekend (my "her" not yours) so I should earn some quality shed time for the future, and perhaps rekindle that old flame as well, I'll certainly take Jackie's advice.

[gemi_babe]

I have no idea what your wife is like but alot of women have to re-learn how to be somewhat independant again. They have to re-learn how to have 'other interests' other then kids/hubby, they have to re-learn that doing the washing/cooking/cleaning is NOT important if its making her unhappy.

Does your wife have a hobby? You have woodwork/footy/fishing/cars or whatever, but does she have other interests besides doing all the wife things kids/cooking/cleaning/shopping? I'm not talking about what she does with her friends because the problem probably occurs when one goes off to the shed to do what HE WANTS and she is left in the house to do WIFE stuff???

Someone once said to me (when I was searching for my hobby..LOL) what did you best enjoy as a child? What was your favourite thing to do? Took a bit of thinking but I realised it was my love for animals and how I wanted to bring home every stray dog there was...I am now heading towards owning a refuge home for dogs. (long term goal)

Maybe help your wife find her one thing that she use to love doing as a child... even if it means setting up a work station in the shed LMAO :D :p

All the best,
Kylie

[kiwigeo]

Maybe help your wife find her one thing that she use to love doing as a child... even if it means setting up a work station in the shed LMAO :D :p

All the best,
Kylie
I tried that with my office...gave a corner of same to my wife. Now its HER office and Ive been allocated a corner of same for my work :)

But youre right of course....Im often guilty of the crime described, head off to the shed and do the shed thing and sort of just forget Ive got a wife. Mind you my wife doesnt stay inside and do the wifey thing since we dont have kids and I do a bulk of the "wifey" work around the place. Its probably because of the latter that my wife generally leaves me alone when I head out to the workshop....its my reward for keeping the house in shape.

[tong]

Mate, life is not meant to be unhappy! remove the problem.. send it away, forget it.. there are plenty possible partners ahead.. I see by the tone and the text of your letter you are deeply unhappy. If you think you will be ok in the future, i believe you are wrong...this will always cause you grief... better to bail out of a burning aircraft than to go down in flames....

You will have sad moments for sure but try to get a balanced view, if the times when she makes you happy and glad to have her around outweigh the bad times when she makes you depressed, you need to analyze the causes of your depression.. Were you depressed before partner came on scene? look for a total solution.. just my 2 cents...

[Daddles]

I wouldn't be too quick to have her take up space in your shed either. While married, my office and workshop was a room in the house. It kept me in contact with the family. It allowed her easy access to me all the time and she used it. I was never able to just be alone. Sure, she was someone who didn't respect personal space or privacy (remember, this is an ex we're talking about) but I did notice that when I started building boats, and had a workshop in the shed, I was able to get that privacy. The extra distance, though trivial, was enough to give me that space a bloke needs.

I was talking to my Dad a few months back and, right out of the blue, he commented that whenever he got the s***s with Mum, he'd go out in the shed until he or she had calmed down. Strangely, only a few weeks later, Mum commented that one of the things that kept them happy was that whenever things got tense between them, Dad would go out in his shed until things had calmed down.

A bloke needs his shed. It's become a bit of a cliched joke now, but it's based on long experience. In the past, blokes instinctively knew that they needed a haven and their women understood that. Perhaps they didn't understand why, but they understood the need. Nowadays, we're told we should do everything together, that if we want to solve problems, we should sit down and talk about them. Well, talking is good but you need to get the steam out first and sometimes, all that's needed is a bit of time in the shed.

On a similar note, I was an aeromodeller for many years. I was talking to a bloke up at the field one day about the hobby and he said that just before he retired, his wife gave him three months to find a hobby or she'd leave him - she couldn't bear the thought of having him underfoot all the time. She understood the need for space. At that time, he'd been retired five years and they were still happy.

Cheers
Richard
who's an expert at relationships, being twice divorced now. So what the f*** would I know.

[ernknot]

Sorry guys, still working on that profound thinggy! give me time.